Crisis in church: My husband slept with the pastor's wife
When Moira and her husband moved to the suburbs of a big Midwestern city, they joined what she hoped would be a friendly and supportive church. The pastor was young and energetic, and the congregation comprised professional families with young children. After just five months, Moira was devastated by the news that her husband was sleeping with the pastor's wife.
Question: Tell us about the background to your terrible situation.
Moira: Bob and I had just moved to a nice subdivision on the edge of the city. We weren't far from some beautiful woodland and lakes, and it was just 30 minutes to downtown. It seemed like an ideal place to live.
I wanted to join a local church so that we would really feel part of the community. We shopped around for a month or so before we decided on a church just a few miles from our home. Most of the congregation were young professional couples like ourselves. Many of them had kids, the pastor was a nice guy with great ideas. He welcomed us into the congregation with open arms. It seemed just the right place for us.
Question: And Bob felt the same?
Moira: Church was more my decision, but he was not against the idea. He knew how important it was to be a part of the community so that you can help and also be encouraged when you're going through stuff, illnesses, marital stuff, whatever it might be. We both wanted to do our bit, get involved in local mission work and fund-raising. We are very blessed people with good careers, I felt it was important to give something back to the community.
Question: How quickly did your husband develop a relationship with the pastor's wife?
Moira: I can't say that I noticed anything untoward. It was a close-knit community, the pastor was extremely busy. His wife was active on many of the committees. My husband was on the worship committee, which is probably how he got to know her. But that's just speculation. I don't have all the details. I'm not sure I want them.
Question: You were active too?
Moira: Of course. I love liturgical art, decorating the church for services and special days. I love flower-arranging. And I really love fund-raising for people less fortunate than myself. So yes, the church became a focus of my life when I wasn't working. It's good to put your energy into volunteering. It brings me closer to God to feel that I am helping. I am sure that's what Jesus wants us to do.
Question: I understand. So for the first months everything seemed fine; you and your husband were spending time at church, not just going to services and then ...
Moira: Then the bomb dropped. The pastor came up to me one day in church and said he needed to talk to me about a difficult, confidential matter. I had no idea what it might be, but we went to his office, I sat down and he called his wife. There was an awkward silence and he said, My wife has something to tell you.
Question: What did she tell you?
Moira: She was obviously flustered, she had trouble getting the words out, I kept asking "What is it? What is it?" Eventually she said, I am so sorry, Moira, but I have been having an affair with your husband.
I couldn't take it in. It was unreal. I didn't believe it. And my husband wasn't there to defend himself, it was just the three of us. The pastor was weeping, his wife was crying buckets, and I was just, well, sick to my stomach. It made no sense at all.
Question: Did the pastor intervene to ease the situation?
Moira: He tried. He said that Bob had made a terrible mistake. He said his wife has shown poor judgment. He tried to blame himself for working so hard, he was never there for his wife. He needed to be a better husband, look after his own family, not just the congregation.
Question: Did he suggest a way forward, a course of action?
Moira: No. I told them I didn't want to hear anymore about it until I had spoken with Bob. I told them it was probably a huge mistake, a misunderstanding. It hadn't sunk in that Bob and the pastor's wife had actually slept together.
Question: Did you leave the meeting then?
Moira: Yes, I walked out. But before I did, the pastor told me he hoped I would keep the matter to myself. He didn't want the news to hurt the church or its members. That made sense to me. I certainly didn't want people to know what was going on, not until all the facts were on the table. But then we would need to tell people.
Question: You confronted your husband?
Moira: I waited until he came home from work. The time passed so slowly. I couldn't relax. I was on edge, couldn't sit still. I kept pacing up and down the family room. Then Bob walked in, he could tell immediately that something was wrong and he asked what it was.
I blurted out, Bob, have you been sleeping with the pastor's wife?
Have I what?
he said. Are you crazy?
Church crises, scandals, and abuse
I have totally lost faith in the church
I told him about the meeting earlier that day. He looked like someone had knocked the wind right out of him. He tried to touch me, I pushed him away. I shouted at him to tell me. Have you betrayed me?
I demanded.
It's not like that,
he said. But then he had to explain himself.
Question: What did he say?
Moira: He tried to sound blameless. He said the wife had told him how lonely she was, how empty her home felt because her husband was always working, the pastor seemed to care more for his church family than he did his real family.
Bob and the pastor's wife started going out for coffee, she emptied her heart out to him. She couldn't stand her life, wanted to leave, but she didn't want to wreck her husband's career. She only had Bob to talk to. And one thing led to another, touches, kisses, then they were in bed together.
Question: How did you respond to this story?
Moira: I told Bob it broke every Christian rule I lived by. I said our marriage was over and he needed to move out immediately.
Question: How did he respond to that?
Moira: He talked about forgiveness, you know, how forgiveness is a Christian principle. But I told him he had broken our sacred marriage vows, there was no turning back. We would have to divorce, end of story. I cannot live with a man who cheats on me.
Question: Did he move out?
Moira: Yes, that same evening. I insisted on it. And he won't be coming back. My lawyer is taking care of the divorce.
Question: Do you think you are being harsh? Did Bob regret what he had done?
Moira: Harsh? No! Everyone regrets their stupidity when they are found it, but as long as no one knows they keep on going.
Question: What were your next steps?
Moira: That's when my troubles really started. I talked to the pastor, asked him what he was going to do, how he was going to tell the congregation and he said it was not in the best interests of the church to tell anybody. He had forgiven his wife and they were going to patch up their lives. He said I should do the same with Bob. I told him that goes against everything written in the Bible.
Question: What does the Bible say about this?
Moira: It says that adultery is a sin, and we go to hell for our sins.
Question: You think your husband is going to hell?
Moira: Yes, of course he is. He has made my life a hell on earth -- he will receive his rightful punishment when the time comes.
Question: You did not accept the pastor's advice?
Moira: I told him I needed to tell the congregation what had happened. He told me not to. He said if I did, I was no longer welcome to be a member of his church. I went ahead and told the women's committee, and you know what? They turned their backs on me. Women I thought of as my friends would have nothing to do with me. They said I was a troublemaker, I was creating problems for the pastor with the bishop, I was making life unbearable for his wife. They said I should leave..
Question: Did you leave?
Moira: I tried to fight and stand up for Christian principles but no one at the church would have anything to do with me. I was shunned, pushed aside, ridiculed. Far from being a church family and community of faith, they showed no backbone, no values, they even threatened me with the police when I entered church premises. So I had to leave. And I joined a proper Bible church that's a little further from my home but at least they adhere to Christian teachings.
Question: Do you not feel as though you are being dogmatic about this? Shouldn't you have the capacity to forgive if people close to you stray?
Moira: Our nation is built on strong values. If we abandon those values we will slide very quickly into the abyss. I live by Biblical principles. I will not accept second best.
Question: Thank you, Moira, for your time today. I wish you well in your new life.
Marcia Thompson
Readers respond
Has church wronged you? POST a comment about this article
Fran, Nashville Let's face facts. The church has long been a safe haven for abuse and abusers. The balanced view is that the church has done a lot of good and a lot of harm. It aims to serve God but is run by sinful human beings.
Cindi, Dallas The pastor of our church preached from the pulpit that gays were going to hell. Behind our backs, he was having affairs with young men. Ordained men can be flawed too. Some of them are going to Hell.
Bill, Bowling Green Pastors are overworked and underpaid. If a woman shows them too much understanding, a pastor can easily be weak and submit to carnal desires.
Joan, Calhoun, Georgia I had an affair with our pastor. He said his wife didn't understand him and didn't give him what he needed. I was young and naive and gave him just what he needed until he asked me to leave the congregation.
Nelda, Wichita The pastor of our church slept with at least five married women. He was a real charming guy with a good heart, but he could not control his desire for female flesh. I guess it was his one weakness.
Connie, Toronto Most men, whether straight or gay, have a high sex drive, which is why we love them and hate them in equal measure. I was once married to a man with zero drive. He loved the couch, beer, and television. I could have been sleeping with an entire football team and he wouldn't have noticed.
Leighton, Denver It's no wonder that churches are losing members by the millions. People are perfectly capable of distinguishing between right and wrong without the influence of corrupt and abusive clergy.