Divorce, depression and suicide

FrICTION I was on the verge of suicide but saved myself

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"My wife left me, my life is over, I want to commit suicide"

[Anger management, major depression, and mania]

Eric, 49, knew his marriage was in trouble. He argued constantly with his wife, did not enjoy their time together, and had few common interests. In recent years, Eric's career stagnated while his wife's took off. She earned twice as much as he did and was always busy. Over dinner one evening she announced she wanted a divorce. Eric's life fell to pieces at that point.

Question: Welcome, Eric. You were married for nine years, nearly 10. Your wife wanted a divorce and you didn't. Why do you think that happened?

Eric: I am sure my ex-wife, Jo, would give different reasons from mine, but ok, you're asking me so I'll do my best to explain from my point of view. We neglected each other while we were busy with other things. We allowed our marriage to drift along. We got further and further apart without noticing it until it was too late.

Question: That's a very general account which your wife could probably agree with. Can you give concrete examples of what happened?

Eric: OK. Our careers are a good example. I worked for a publishing house in the editorial department. My career had never really taken off. I'd been doing pretty much the same thing for about 10 years. Jo said I lacked ambition. She said I should have done a masters degree or a doctorate, applied for different jobs, been more active about getting ahead. But that's not me, I'm not a go-getter.

Jo was forever attending conferences, taking different online classes, she was busy all the time, work was her life. She loved climbing the corporate ladder. She started at a pretty low level at her job, now she's a director. She earned really good money, about twice what I did. I'm sure she resented that.

Question: Your combined incomes were pretty high? You had no money worries?

Eric: We had no money worries at all, but Jo thought we should be earning the same so that we could contribute an equal amount to family expenditure. Maybe she's traditional, she thinks the man should earn as much as the woman. He shouldn't be making half her salary.

Question: OK, so career, money and your lack of ambition were issues as your wife saw it. What else caused problems in your marriage?

Eric: Jo is a very social person and I'm not at all. She loves going out to dinner with colleagues from work, she goes to the gym with a group of women from her office. She loves organizing dinner parties at our house, but I was never comfortable at those events. I felt like an under-achiever. People asked what I did, I'd say I was a proof reader and I saw, or imagined I saw, boredom on their faces. I'm shy I guess, I've always been withdrawn, unwilling to open up in public. I don't panic or get anxious, nothing like that, I'm just more comfortable around people I know, situations where I don't feel I'm being tested.

Question: How was your sex life been during your marriage?

Eric: What sex life? It was almost non-existent for the last two or three years of our marriage. Maybe we had sex every two or three months. I tried to initiate but I could tell Jo was too tired or busy. I'd often suggestd we should go to bed or I'd try to hold her, touch her, but it went nowhere.

Question: Did you try talking to your wife about this?

Eric: I tried but I felt Jo treated me like one of her subordinates at work, like she was grilling me or it was an office conference, never a warm, loving conversation. It was so focused on, ok, here's a problem, let's solve it now. That's not my approach. I need to feel comfortable before I can talk about intimate things. I don't want to feel like I'm being interviewed or put under a spotlight.

Question: Were you faithful to your wife?

Eric: Oh yes, I'm not the sort of guy that other women are interested in, and I don't make an effort to attract women. I was married, end of story.

Question: Do you think your wife was faithful to you?

Eric: I hope so but I don't really know. The more I think about it, I realize she was around so many people, so many men, I know there must have been temptations for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she had an affair, but I hope not.

Question: A couple of years ago, your wife told you she wanted a divorce. Was this a surprise?

Eric: A complete surprise. I remember it so clearly, every detail. We were eating chicken and pasta salad at home. We'd drunk about half a bottle of white wine. We weren't really talking to each other, not even looking at each other, and out of the blue Jo said to me: "Eric, I am seeing a lawyer, I'm filing for divorce. I hope we can do it quickly without a fight."

Question: What did you say?

Eric: It was a shock, I didn't know what to do or think. I didn't take it seriously at first. I said, "Sure, if that's what you want, I won't fight you. Whatever you want." She said, "Good, that will be best for both of us" and she carried on eating her chicken.

She was smiling to herself, I remember that, as though she'd gotten exactly what she wanted. She was relieved. Maybe she thought I'd cause a scene or refuse to cooperate, but I felt like I'd been hit really hard in the gut, I couldn't respond, I couldn't breathe or think.

I knew our marriage wasn't perfect, but I see marriage as something you do, you get on with it, you work at it, you put up with hardship in the hope it'll get better. You don't jump ship because you're miserable, not after nearly 10 years.

Question: For the next few days, after your wife had said she wanted a divorce, what was it like for you? Did you talk with your wife about her decision?

Eric: No, she had to attend a conference in Memphis the next day. (We lived in Madison, Wisconsin.) She was gone for four days. I didn't go to work the next day, I called in sick, I spent the whole day in bed or on the couch. I didn't watch tv, didn't do anything, I just lay there curled up. I closed my eyes but wasn't really sleeping.

Time just passed. I'd look at my watch and an hour had passed, then three, four, five. It was 10 at night and I was still curled up on the sofa. I got up two in the morning, paced around, dug out our wedding photos, our holiday photos from early in our marriage: a trip to Corpus Christi we did together, a vacation in Fort Lauderdale, a week in San Diego. We'd traveled much more than realized. We had done some fun things together, there had been good times even though they were a long time ago.

Question: What did you do in the morning? Did you go to work?

Eric: No I didn't. I had been looking in one photo album and there were some photos of me and Jo at my parents' cabin in the Northwoods, way up in northern Wisconsin. My father was a keen birdwatcher, he loved wildlife, he was really into Thoreau and Aldo Leopold, anyhow he bought a tiny cabin up north where he spent his spare time. When he died I took over the cabin. It wasn't really comfortable enough for Jo, it had an outhouse, she hated that, the washing facilities were pretty makeshift but it was in a beautiful spot by a little lake, there was lots of wildlife. I thought I might feel better if I drove north and spent a few days at the cabin. I don't know, it felt safe somehow, and it was away from our house which really is my wife's house. She decorated it, decided the colors and the furniture. It's hers, but the cabin is mine....

Question: At this very difficult time, you decided you needed to be alone? You didn't want to be around people?

Eric: No, when I am down, or when I'm being criticized, when I feel bad, I withdraw into myself. I don't want company. I can be like that for a day or so, then it passes and I'm ok again. I don't get better by being around people.

Question: You drove to your cabin? Is it far from your home?

Eric: It's about six, seven hours north of our house in Madison, Wisconsin. It was January when I drove there. The further north I drove, the more snow there was, it got deeper and deeper, visibility got worse and worse, it was like entering a different world. On that long journey north, I decided to kill myself.

Question: Was it a serious thought? Did you think through the decision in detail?

Eric: Oh yes, I was serious all right. I went through every conceivable way to kill myself: an overdose of pills; hanging myself from a tree; shooting myself; drowning myself in the lake -- I figured I'd cut a hole in the ice, tie a bag of rocks to myself and jump in. I went through each scenario, for and against each one. It made enormous sense to me to end my life. I'd lived all I wanted to live, my life wasn't going to go anywhere new or exciting. And Jo would see what she had done to me, how far she'd driven me.

Question: You wanted to punish your wife?

Eric: No, not punish. I wanted her to understand how much she had hurt me, how she had destroyed my life, destroyed me. I knew my suicide would cause her embarrassment at the very least, and maybe it would shock her, make her regret how she had mistreated me, make her regret how she'd neglected me, ignored me.

Question: You spent your entire trip north planning your suicide?

Erik: Yes, I planned and revised the plan for about five hours. I thought it through in great detail. There's an old shotgun in the cabin, it's hidden and hardly used but anyway, I decided against that, too quick and easy. I wanted Jo to see how I had thought this through and chosen a difficult way to kill myself. I was going to hang myself from a tree, a big pine tree that's right outside the cabin's main window. I knew where there was rope, where there was a ladder -- we used it to climb on the roof to clear snow. I was going to lean that ladder against the big pine, put the noose around my neck and jump. I figured it would be a pretty quick death in the freezing cold.

Question: What did you do when you reached the cabin?

Eric: That was the first setback. There was a lot of snow, about three feet thick, from the driveway to the shack where we park the car. It was about 50, 60 yards of driveway to the cabin. I couldn't drive there from the road, and it would have taken hours and hours to clear all that snow by hand, so I parked the car at the end of the driveway and waded through deep snow to the cabin door. I was frozen, I kept sinking up to my waist, I wasn't wearing boots, I was in pain, my gloves were soaked and I thought, "Damn, I'm going to die on the driveway like a loser. People won't know it was suicide. It'll look like some city idiot died of frostbite trying to get to his cabin".

Question: You didn't what to die just any old how, not by accident?

Eric: No, it had to be planned. I got to the cabin exhausted and numb, I couldn't feel my feet and fingers. I decided I needed to warm up before I climbed the pine tree with a rope. I was so cold there was no way I could move a ladder or tie a knot or think straight. You see, I needed to think straight to kill myself.

Question: Once you were inside the cabin, what were your next steps?

Eric: My father taught me to leave a bundle of firewood in the cabin for the next time you visit. That way, when you arrive, you don't have to hunt around for wood in the cold and dark. I made a big fire, pulled my dad's old chair close to the fire, pulled off my cold, wet clothes, wrapped myself in a blanket. I found an almost full bottle of Glenlivet whisky. I hit the whisky, took swig after swig, I got warm enough to go find a change of clothes in this big chest by the bed, my dad's stuff that I had not thrown away when he died. I don't know, I wanted to keep it for some reason. I sat by that fire in his itchy pants, this old tweed jacket, some socks with holes in the heels, I found a wool hat my mom had knitted for the old man and I got warm.

Question: Did you abandon your suicide plan?

Eric: Not at all, with the whisky in me and the warmth of the fire, I thought through the plan in even more detail. It seemed so perfect that I'd kill myself in my dad's clothes. It would be a statement, I don't know what kind of statement, but it'd be a statement. I'd already seen the ladder on my way to the cabin, I'd have to dig it out and lean it against the tree, I knew there was rope in the garage shack. Everything was in place, but then I fell asleep.

Question: So you didn't act on your plan that night?

Eric: Obviously not. I fell asleep, but a few hours later I woke up shivering. The fire was out and I had to go out to the woodshed to bring wood in. It can't have been more than 25 degrees in the cabin, maybe less. I bought in a few sacks of firewood, I was hungry, it was getting light, I saw my car at the end of the driveway and I remembered I had some food in there, so I waded through that deep snow to the car, found a bag of chips, some fruit that was frozen, a rock hard sandwich. I grabbed that and on the way back to the cabin I thought it wouldn't look right, wouldn't look planned if I just left the car at the end of an uncleared driveway. I didn't want to seem desperate. I wanted Jo to know I had been very clear-headed about my decision. I wanted her to think, "He cleared the long driveway of snow, he made the cabin warm, he ate a meal, then he killed himself".

I sat by the fire, ate all my food, then I went out to the shack to find a snow shovel and bit by bit, yard by yard, I cleared the driveway from the cabin to the house, It took, oh, 14, 15 hours non-stop, well, I stopped to rest now and again.

Question: As you were clearing the driveway, what was going on your mind?

Eric: That's when the suicide plan changed shape, or rather it disappeared. I thought "No, I'm not going to let Jo destroy me, I'm not going to kill myself in my dad's cabin so that she can get sympathy from friends and colleagues, so she can avoid a messy divorce. No, she's going to have to pay and work for that damn divorce". Clearing the driveway cleared my head. It got rid of all the sadness, the anger, the frustration. And I thought, "Screw my job, I hate my job, I'm not going back to that job. Screw Jo, too. I'm going to think of me from now on, I'm going to be happy," well, I was going to try to be happy.

Question: How would you achieve that? How would you be happy?

Eric: I didn't have any answers, it was more a feeling. But the first thing I needed was food, so I drove to the grocery store, bought supplies for a week, bought some other stuff I needed for the cabin, toiletries, essentials like that, and I decided I'd move into the cabin. It would be my home from now on. I'd improve it, keep it simple, in line with what my dad wanted, but improve it, make it my home.

I phoned work, told them I wouldn't be coming in anymore, I looked at my savings, took a lot out before Jo could get her hands on it and I started planning my future. It was uncomfortable at first, I spent a lot of time clearing snow and staying warm, but you know what, I was content, just doing those simple, basic tasks gave me focus, it cleared my mind of all the mess and confusion.

Question: Did you contact your wife at all? She must have wondered where you were?

Eric: Oh yes, when she got back from Memphis, maybe a day or so afterward, I called her; I didn't want her contacting the police or anything like that, I told her I had left the house, wasn't coming back, she could keep it, told her to send the divorce papers to the post office nearest the cabin and I'd sign them. She had all sorts of questions, "What are you going to do? You can't live like a hermit in the woods. You can't walk out on your job. You have to be responsible."

I told her, "I am being responsible. You talk to that lawyer of yours, you keep whatever you want to keep, I don't want anything of yours, you get those papers to me and I'll sign them."

She drove up to the cabin to talk to me, it was still cold and she wasn't dressed right, for once she was out of her depth, not in control, it felt great. She sat there like a frozen lump, shock all over her face, she thought I'd had a mental breakdown but I was clear as daylight. "Do what you have to do," I told her, "it's over."

Question: Do you still live at the cabin?

Eric: I certainly do, it's been way over a year now. I'm loving it. Jo and I are divorced, I did pretty well out of it. She kept the house, the cabin is worthless to her, worse than worthless. Bit by bit I'm improving it, making it more comfortable. I'm going to add a room, improve the garage, put a good roof on the woodshed, improve the well. Small but important changes.

Question: What about work? What are you going to do?

Eric: I have enough money to last another year or so while I figure things out. It's doesn't cost much to live here, and there's work available if you're not picky. One thing I want to do, an important job for me, is to edit all my dad's notebooks, his nature and wildlife observations from the cabin, and turn them into a book. I see it as great advertisement for the Northwoods, it might sell well locally. If I can interest a publisher, I'll let them handle it, otherwise I'll publish the book myself, design a website for it. That's my big first step.

Questions: Do you have any contact with your former wife? Any regrets?

Eric: I have hardly any contact with her. I don't know how or what she's doing. I wish her all the best. I have no regrets. In the beginning, out here on my own without a woman, it was difficult. When you lose a sexual partner, even one you don't have sex with very often, it's a blow. But I'm seeing someone now, a schoolteacher, Claire. Life is good, very good.

Question: Thank you, Eric for your time and extraordinary story.

Eric. My pleasure.

by Marcia Thompson, an avid long distance runner who helps couples with issues of fitness, physical, emotional, and sexual mismatch.

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Your life can fall apart when your spouse leaves you. Eric, 49, describes how he broke down after his wife of nine years told him she wanted a divorce. He fell into a deep depression that lasted for months. He saw only one way out: suicide.