|
I hate my
marriage but divorce is impossible
[Professional
tips for catching a cheating spouse]
One
of the most rewarding features of writing this column is
being able to acknowledge and answer readers' questions.
Those questions tell us there are millions of people
struggling with their marriages. In many cases, divorce is a
clear-cut solution to unhappiness. But in other marriages,
divorce is not an option, even if the marriage is unhappy or
abusive. How do you remain married to a spouse you are
unable to divorce?
Sometimes
the best we can do is acknowledge a reader's question and
talk about the issues it raises. In our experience, if one
reader has a question, then many others will be going
through the same experience and range of emotions.
We
cannot assume, even in open societies such as America or
Western Europe, that separation and divorce are options for
everybody. Where divorce is not possible, or at best
extremely difficult, we can only
suggest ways of surviving the marriage. We cannot command people to turn
their backs on deeply-rooted religious and moral beliefs.
Even
if it is clear to us that a marriage is abusive and the
abused spouse should leave, we have to face the fact that
millions believe divorce and separation are sins with
severe implications in this life and the next.
We
argue strongly against all forms of religious persecution
and shunning, but we cannot argue against someone who stands
firm in the belief that they will be cut off from their
family, community and the afterlife if they divorce.
In
those cases, we explain ways in which a spouse can protect
him or herself, and we provide strategies for carving out a
meaningful, independent existence. We also, respectfully,
say you have to leave open the option of ending the
marriage if you or your children are at risk. In such cases, you need
to know there is support, financial aid, and accommodation for you if have to have leave.
Whatever your core values or religious beliefs, you cannot
be forced to live in a marriage that is torture and a living
hell.
I
was once introduced to a women who belonged to an extremely
strict Christian group. Her husband was physically and
mentally cruel. At first the woman was silent, believing it
to be her lot in life to endure suffering. She then spoke to
one of the elders, saying she felt in danger. The elder
spoke to the husband who in turn told his wife, "If you
ever humiliate me again, I will kill you."
What
could the woman do? Who could she turn to if her own church
would not protect her? In these extreme cases, where lives
are in danger, a hostel for abused women, reached via a free
telephone helpline, might be the only answer. The
organizations running these centers are non-judgmental;
their role is to protect women and children at risk from
physical violence.
Once
the woman is safe from danger, the job then begins of
finding her people of her own faith that she can trust,
perhaps women who have gone through a similar experience and
who can convince her that God does not want his children to
be beaten and abused.
If
this case sounds extreme, just think of the thousands of
young children who have been sexually abused by clergymen,
people who were in a position of trust in church and
society. For a long time, nothing was done to protect these
children, nor help them cope afterwards with depression and
mental torment.
There
are marriages that are unhappy but not abusive. Imagine a
woman who has been married a long time. Having put all her
energy and commitment into the marriage, helping her husband
with his career, raising children, running a beautiful home,
she finds herself proud of her achievements and yet she is bitterly unhappy. She thinks about
divorce but it seems more frightening and uncertain than
remaining in the home she loves.
A
woman like this can he helped to find answers that restore
her joy while accepting that she cannot and will not ever
love her husband. It might even mean accepting that the
marriage will be sexless, or that the sex gives the woman no
satisfaction whatsoever. No one, not even her husband, is forcing her to
stay, she knows she can leave, but she chooses to stay for
all manner of reasons that make sense to her.
Some
marriages are simply joyless. The spouses have no
shared activities, almost no sex, no touching or displays of
affection, and they don't like each other's company. One
spouse might work 12 or more hours a day, seven days a week,
leaving all household duties to the other spouse. There will
be little conversation between the two except irritated
exchanges, perhaps with the over-worked husband constantly
telling his wife: "I'm too tired to deal with this
right now".
Here,
we list some of the reasons that people give us for
remaining in an unhappy marriage:
-
they
fear, rightly or wrongly, that their standard of living
will suffer if they divorce
-
they
worry they will lose face in the community
-
they
are anxious about disapproval of friends, family,
colleagues, and their faith community
-
they
want their children to be brought up in a household with
a mother and father (or two parents if it is a gay
relationship with children)
-
they
have a hope, however faint, that their spouse is capable
of making them happy at some point in the future
-
inertia:
an inability to see alternatives because a spouse has
become so accustomed to his/way of life and is not equipped
to identify other options.
-
fear
of divine punishment
-
the
partner is bipolar, depressed, or suffering from a
mental condition which mixes happy times with deeply
distressing episodes. The healthy spouse feels an
obligation to help the sick spouse through the "dark"
periods
-
they
are afraid a former spouse will track them down and hurt
them
-
they
blame themselves for the bad marriage
-
they
are worried their children will be taken from them.
We
advise those in such marriages to carefully seek out people
they can trust, people who will understand and empathize. It
might be a mother or father, brothers and sisters, a trusted
pastor, men and men in similar circumstances. Talk to them,
cautiously at first, gaining their trust. Build and nurture
friendships. If possible, take part in group activities
outside the home.
Try
to finds ways of building happiness and satisfaction that do not depend on your spouse. Don't wait on him or her to
reform and make you happy. Develop your own interests and
friendships; nurture your own inner life.
You
might have to keep a low profile, doing everything you can
not to antagonize your spouse. When he or she is not around,
you can involve yourself in the activities that give you
pleasure and meaning.
Many
people find it is healing to write about their lives. It
doesn't have to be literature, it can be little more than
notes if you want, but journaling, as it is called, is a
very useful method and cleansing your mind and clarifying
your ideas.
Remember,
whatever your beliefs and background, it is never acceptable
for you or your children to be physically and mentally
abused. If this is happening get out. There are many
helplines you can call, and there are places that will give
you shelter until you know what your next steps will be.
Article
by Marcia Thompson, who's
an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape
together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can
occur in physically mismatched relationships.
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
|
