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Why do
husbands and wives cheat?
[Tips
for catching your cheating spouse]
We
collected the most frequently asked questions about
cheating, adultery, and infidelity and posed them to
cheating husbands and wives, asking them to be completely
open and honest with us. With the promise of anonymity, the
cheats felt no obligation to find excuses for their
behavior. They gave a fascinating insight into how the
cheating mind works. John, 43, is a publisher. Sarah, 39, is
a schoolteacher. Lisa, 51, describes herself as a
professional wife.
Question: Why do you
cheat?
John: I cheat because
the opportunity has always been there. I love sex with
women. I've met so many women, including married ones, who
want uncomplicated sex just like I do. It's different from
marriage, which is about being nagged at, jumping through
hoops before you get to the sex. Marriage destroys the kind
of fire and passion that gets us married in the first place.
Sarah: I kind of agree
with John, but I wish the satisfaction I find with my lover
could be gotten in marriage. It would be so much simpler if
marriage could provide excitement, passion, thrills, and
great sex in the same way affairs can. I have never felt
totally comfortable cheating, nor have I have been
completely satisfied in marriage.
Lisa: I promised to be
completely honest... I stay married because my
husband gives me a fantastic lifestyle. I don't have to
work, I have as much money as I want, I have my own Lexus, my own credit cards, a big house, vacations
in Mexico and the Caribbean. My lover could never give me
that. He's a college professor, my husband is a physician.
I'm 50 and my husband is 71. He has trouble giving me the
sex I need. My boyfriend is 48.
Question: Do you ever
feel guilty about cheating?
John: It works fine
until you get caught, then you feel really bad about all the
mess and hurt you've caused, all the lies you've had to
tell. It's horrible seeing your wife torn to pieces when she
finds out you've been cheating. My wife found out about my
cheating a couple of years ago. I promised to stop and she
forgave me. But after about four months I was cheating again.
She hasn't found out yet.
Sarah: I am
constantly torn in two with a guilty conscience. I don't
want to hurt my husband, he's such a good man and father.
But I have needs he is unable to satisfy, and my lover,
who's a successful businessman, has so much more money than
my husband. He buys me stuff that is way beyond my husband's
reach.
Lisa: I protect my
husband. I don't spend his money on my boyfriend, don't buy
him gifts. I don't feel guilty, but I'd feel bad if my
husband found out. I'd really lose out financially.
Question: Is there
anything other than sex that cheating gives you?
John: Friendship
without big responsibilities. It's about enjoyment with no
strings attached.
Sarah: Romance, I
guess. My lover is attentive. He says and does things my
husband doesn't. He takes time to seduce me. He makes me
feel special and sexy. I often feel invisible around my husband. I can dress up
for him and he won't say a word. My lover is wealthy, too,
and that's never a bad thing.
Lisa: It's great to be
with someone who's not totally consumed by his career. My
husband works so hard that when he's with me he's tired and
often irritable. He drinks too much as a way to relax. He
has no energy at home. He seems so old to me. I enjoy the company of
men my own age. I love younger men, too.
Question: Do you
consider your behavior morally wrong, that's it's not right
and you might be punished for it one day?
John: That's a
religious view, right? The religious people are always going
to get on our case about something. I don't think I am
wrong, but I accept that what I do is considered wrong by
most people.
Sarah: I am Christian,
so I know cheating is sinful. I'm supposed to burn in hell,
I guess. I don't spend too much time worrying about that. I
do worry about hurting my husband. I do love my husband;
he's my best friend.
Lisa: I don't think
it's right, but I don't think it's terribly wrong either. I think
my husband is lucky to have me, a woman 20 years younger
than him. My independent life is the
price my husband must pay to keep me.
Question: Is there
anything that could stop you cheating?
John: If I knew that
my cheating would totally destroy my wife, I would try hard
to stop. I would probably be able to stop for six months,
then I'd be tempted again. There is something in me that's
attracted to new women.
Sarah: I would love to
be able to live a normal married life without all the
hassles of lies and secret meetings. If married life gave me
everything I needed, I could stop cheating right now.
Lisa: My boyfriend and
I have been together longer than I have been married, so it's
not like I am jumping into bed with every guy I meet. I
would stop if my extra-marital relationship threatened to leave
me poor without a home. If my husband threatened that, sure
I'd stop.
Marcia Thompson, the
interviewer, is an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape
together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can
occur in physically and psychologically mismatched relationships.
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
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