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What do older women want in a man?
Three married women in their late 40s talk about sexual satisfaction, marriage, the female orgasm, what turns them on and what shuts them down. Here's Kerry, a schoolteacher of 46, Maria, a college professor of 49, and Mykela, 48, an assistant manager of a bank.
Welcome, ladies. Today you are going to reveal all, tell us the secrets of female sexuality at 45 plus. It's an anything-goes session. Say what you want in the words that are best for you. If we have to clean it up afterwards to put it on a family website, we'll do that. OK, first question, are you happy with your sex life right now?
Kerry: I think there are two parts to that question. Am I happy with who I am sexually? Yes. I love sex. Am I happy with the sex I am getting. Kind of. It could be better, it could be worse. There is room for improvement.
Maria: I love sex, too, but I've done what so many women have learned to do, which is live without great sex. I'm in that place of needing to tell my husband that just because he's enjoying himself, it doesn't mean I am getting great sex. He's into putting it in as soon as he can, thrusting a bit, then it's over. There's no warm-up, and there's no afterglow. So, I get lots of sex but it's so often unsatisfying. It's good when it's good and vice versa.
Mykela: My man loves me and he loves sex. It can be really fantastic when he's focused on us and not just himself. Thing is, the sex he seems to love isn't about me at all. He's just doing his thing, which he does pretty well. But like Maria said, he thinks sex is all about his needs. I'm sure that he thinks if he's had a great orgasm, then he's done a great job and I should be happy. I get regular sex, which is good, I need that, but I need much more deep, satisfying sex. My husband needs to learn to attend to my needs, not just his own.
Tell me about your sexual needs at this stage of life.
Kerry: With the kids grown up and those responsibilities out the way, I have this wonderful feeling that sex is there to be savored and enjoyed. For the first time in my life, I am ready to really get into it, explore it from fresh angles with my husband. At the same time, I'm aware I'm getting older, I'm probably 5, 10 pounds heavier than I should be, so it's easy to get me feeling self-conscious about my body. I want to know my husband finds me sexy. That's the biggest turn on for me, when I see I have that power to make him me.
Maria: That's true. When raising a family is behind you, life kind of opens up and you see all sorts of possibilities. It's like waking up to a new day. I am probably more highly sexed now than at any time since my early 20s. I'm ready for lots of good sex. But I don't want to settle for the routine of the guy gets hard, he sticks it in, he moves in and out, he finishes, he rolls off, he goes to sleep. I won't do that anymore.
Mykela: Exactly! I'm a confident, successful woman. I know what I want. A man can't assume that just because he gets a hard-on he knows how to make me happy. He's got to use it right. And he's got to understand that just sticking it in there is not doing anything for me. If I'm going to come, he has to do much more than the old in-out.
So what does your husband need to do to satisfy each of you women?
Kerry: You want details? What I need is for my husband to take longer over sex. He needs to become much better at seducing me. I don't get wet just because he's aroused. I can get turned on hours before the actual sex, and it's all about knowing my man loves me, finds me attractive, wants me. If I can feel really close to him in the hours before sex, and it can be simple things like going for a walk, having coffee, holding hands, talking to each other, I can get wet from that, I'm ready for him. But if he just comes in, grabs my boobs, starts pushing up against me, breathing heavily, I hate that. Nor do I like that when he's done, he just pulls on his pants and is ready for the next thing. Meanwhile, I'm in bed frustrated thinking, "So this is sex?"
Maria: Guys are terrible about taking time. It seems they have an on-off switch for sex. They don't need a long build-up. It's just, "Pang, I'm ready, I gotta f-ck." My husband can call me from work and say,"I want to come home tonight and f--k you". It's great to know he wants me, but he should try harder to get me in the mood. If he wants to get me wet and excited, I have to know he wants me, that's it's not all about his basic, biological needs. It would help, too, if he used his fingers and tongue more. I'd love him to spend a lot more time licking and kissing before he puts it in.
Mykela: I love it the times my husband says, "Baby, you're beautiful, you're the most sexy woman in the world." It might be complete nonsense, but I know he means it when he's saying it. Just feeling that he wants me, the whole woman rather than the hole woman, that's a big turn on. Luckily, my husband is not a tit-grabber, he likes to stroke and caress, and he does like to go down with his tongue from time to time. That always makes the sex better.
So if all you ladies know what you need and you're not getting it, what's stopping you from getting what you need?
Kerry: These are very sensitive things to talk about. I often figure that if my husband is happy, then ok, that's good enough. Because the alternative, an unhappy husband is not worth living with. The easiest way to make a guy miserable and unsure of himself is to suggest ways he can be better at sex. There's something about guys that makes them think they were born with a gold medal for sex. It never occurs to them they have to learn how to satisfy a woman.
Maria: Yeah, men might try to come across as all strong and confident but it's so easy to burst a man's bubble by suggesting he's not making love right. Then he'll get moody and sulky and you have to go without sex altogether, or you have to please yourself. I have as much right to an orgasm as he does, so he better learn that stuff. It's not like it's really difficult. He needs to stop rushing me. I want him to enjoy my whole body, stimulate my clit, which he can't do with his c-ck alone. You'd think he'd love to do that stuff -- and yes, you're right, I need to tell him.
Mykela: A man needs to know that a woman is more than p-ssy and boobs. That might be what he wants, but if all he does is grab at those goodies, he's gonna leave the woman high and dry. Sometimes in bed when I know he just wants to put it in me, I tell him, "You ain't done licking it yet, baby". Being told that can really turn him on. He gets what he wants, and I get what I need.
Communication is vital. And the trick is to find the right way and right time to tell your partner what you want. One way is to say stuff like, "You know, sweetie, when you touched me last time, it was so good, can you do that again, baby." Then he's being rewarded for something he did right. Now, he might not be aware of having done anything at all, doesn't matter, just tell him what you need in a positive, encouraging way.
Kerry: That's a good idea. I love it when he licks me down there, but it can turn me right off when he's been licking for a little while and he asks, "Are you wet yet?" Which just lets me know he's only licking to get what he wants.
Maria: That's funny. I get the same thing. He'll put his finger in there, push it in an out clumsily, it can hurt sometimes, and he'll ask, "Are you ready yet?" ... "Ready for what?", I'm thinking. Doesn't a grown man know what female wetness is like, you know, how it's smooth and soft and there's lots of it. How come they don't know that?
Mykela: They have never been told, and they never asked. They think "wet" is a porno mag thing, "Oh, I'm so wet for you baby", they don't realize the woman needs to be wet to enjoy it. If a guy tries to ram it in when you're dry, that's just unpleasant.
The point about communication is important, but sex is part of a bigger picture, I mean it's one aspect of married life. It's likely your sex is going to be lousy if your marriage is lousy. If you can't talk about basic marriage matters, how are you going to be able to have a loving conversation about sex? I know some people are able to separate sex and daily life, but that's not the case for me, it's all connected.
Let's say I'm sitting here with a group of guys asking similar questions and the guys say, "She's terrible at BJs, or when she's stroking my thing, it's like she's yanking on a carrot in the garden". Would you want to be told by your husband how you could be better at exciting him?" Would it make you feel better or worse to be told you're not doing something right?
Kerry: I know my husband loves a BJ, he asks for them. But I can also tell when I'm not doing it right because he'll push me off him. He won't saying anything but I know it's not great for him. I imagine my teeth have caught him or something, or it's gotten boring. Yeah, I'd love it if he said, "Honey, could you do more of this, or more of that." Talking about sex has to be good.
Maria: I love BJs because it's a huge turn-on for my husband. He loves watching me do it. I try to be as gentle as possible, make it seem like I'm really loving it, which I am most times. If he could tell me ways to make him happier, that would be great.
Mykela: As for stroking the guy's thing, I figure he's been doing it since he was a teenager. He's going to be better at it than I am. I appreciate any tips on how I can approve. I think sex talk with your man is a turn-on in itself. It's all about heightening the pleasure for each other.
If you were going to be completely honest with your husband, what would you tell him about your sex needs, or about your sex as a couple.
Kerry: Complete honesty? I'd tell him he needs to get in shape, lose 15, 20 pounds. If he was leaner and fitter, it'd probably take care of some of the erection issues he's been having. I'd tell him he doesn't need to buy me stuff but he needs to pay much more attention to me. I need to know he loves me, wants me, finds me sexy. I'd tell him to stop doing sex in the same way every time. He has to use his tongue more, he needs to touch me much more. He shouldn't rush me but spend time getting me wet and in the mood for him. He loves doggy style so much, I got to thinking he does it because he doesn't want to look at my face.
Maria: I'd tell my husband if he wants to make me come, there are no great secrets, he just needs to be more attentive. I want to feel completely safe with him so I can let go and really enjoy our sex. By safe, I mean I want to know he loves me, thinks I'm sexy, that I turn him on. I want to know he's so hungry for me, he'll do anything to please me. Weight, yes, that's an issue. My husband is 20 or more pounds too heavy and it gets in the way. I can't stand his gut to tell you the truth. If I can stay in shape, so can he. He's got to get much better at enjoying our company after sex, too. I'd tell him not to jump up and pull on his clothes as soon as he's come. When I think about it, my needs are very basic. It's strange they are not being met.
Mykela: I would tell my man, "The more you can do to satisfy me, the happier you are going to be. If you get me really turned on, you are going to enjoy our sex so much more." Time, attention, loving words, more talk when we're doing it, a desire to explore together, a willingness to laugh at our clumsiness and mistakes. All of that would be great. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happily married. I just want our sex to be great, and I think it can be.
Do you think there's anything we've missed? What about the couples experiencing diminished sexual drive as they get older?
Kerry: If a couple is happy about what's happening to them, it's fine. The point is to grow together. Maybe their sex looks different as they get older, it's going to be less energetic, less rushed. If you love each other, you can thrive through all these changes. There'll be problems where there's a mismatch, maybe the woman is discovering herself and she wants more sex, and the husband wants less and less. That's a common problem as I understand it.
Maria: I have a friend who is on anti-depressants. She says she needs them to function at work and at home, but they have a huge impact on her sex life. They've pretty much stopped her orgasms. Anti-depressants are known to have that impact on orgasm for some women. I think that's a big sacrifice, you give up having an orgasm just so that you can get your job done without being depressed.
Research has shown anti-depressants have that effect. It's also true that some women have less intense orgasms as they get older, there can be issues of blood supply to the clitoris. You know, it's similar in men as they get older, many can have trouble getting an erection or sustaining it. And I have heard women reporting that they are not as wet, or not as wet for as long, when they reach menopause ...
Mykela: Well, there's always oil and lube. There are ways around these changes that are going to happen as you get older, as you move from 40 to 50, to 60 and 70. But I'm sure the desire to have sex will always be there for me. I think the main issue is that women can now be open an demanding, I mean that in a positive way, about their desires and needs. They can say to their man, "Baby, let's try it this way" or "I love it when you stroke me there." That's fantastic.
Thank you ladies for an excellent discussion.
By Giles Devos
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