My spouse has social anxiety disorder

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Living with a spouse who has social anxiety disorder

Anyone suffering from a mental disorder (addiction, depression, bipolarity, anxiety, anorexia, etc) is told to seek professional help. That's sound advice, but a number of these conditions make it extremely difficult for the sufferer to acknowledge he or she has a problem, and therefore they see no reason to ask for help. How do you live with a person like that, how do you encourage them to begin a course of treatment?

Question: Today we are talking to Melissa, 44, whose father suffered from social anxiety disorder, or social phobia, which he didn't acknowledge and which was never treated. His condition made homelife a minefield for Melissa's family. She has seen the seeds of social anxiety in her own life and has taken steps to overcome it. Melissa, please tell us about your childhood, what your father was like.

Melissa: As a kid you are not fully aware what's going on in your parents' lives. Even if your life is abnormal, you consider it normal because it's all you know, it's your entire universe. You only begin to recognize problems when you meet other people, see their behavior, and can do your own thinking about this stuff. So the first thing I'd say is I wasn't aware of my dad's

problem, but sure, I knew he was bad-tempered, angry most of the time with a fuse that would just start burning at the slightest provocation. As kids we learned to avoid him. We didn't want to provoke an angry outburst, slaps and punches. He'd slap me and punch my brothers. As I got older, I understood he had no friends, not a few friends, NO friends. He never went out to the movies with my mother, they didn't go out to dinner. At first I thought it was because he couldn't afford it, but I think now it was more to do with his feeling uncomfortable around people.

Question: He avoided social contact altogether?

Melissa: He was a geography teacher, a job he kept for 38 years, exactly the same job. He hated it. I think the fact that he had to deal with kids and other teaches caused him so much anxiety, he would vent at home. His anger and frustration were bottled up at work all day, he'd come home and he'd be like a Mentos-Diet Coke rocket; he'd explode, shouting, throwing things, hitting us.

My mother has always had lots of friends who sometimes visited with us at home. My dad would make excuses why he couldn't take part. It might be a headache, or he'd walk the dog while there were guests in the house, or he might work in the yard if there were people in the house. This was embarrassing for my mother, but back in those days, the 60s to 80s, a label wasn't really attached to his condition. He was considered a curmudgeon.

Question: I have seen that socially anxious people are good at blaming others for their refusal to take part in social gatherings.

Melissa: Yes, my dad was just like that. He would tell my mother, "Those friends of yours are so boring, I'm not going to sit all afternoon with them." If she tried to get him to go out for a meal or attend a function, he'd say, "We can't just leave the kids at home, they'll burn the house down." He would say that even when the youngest was 16 and I was in my 20s. To avoid going to to doctor and dentist, he'd say he didn't want to waste his money.

Question: How did your mother cope with this?

Melissa: I understand now that she spent much or her marriage depressed. She didn't talk about it, she tried as best she could to make her children happy, and she attempted to protect us from his violent outbursts. I often found her crying in her bedroom. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd shrug off the question and pull herself together. My mother knew my dad was odd and angry but she didn't have the tools to go deeper than that. She had a rich social life of her own, plenty of friends who kept her upbeat.

Question: Did your father have any other problems? Did he drink? Was he physically abusive toward your mother?

Melissa: No he hardly drank at all, and he didn't smoke. When he did, at Christmas, he'd become extremely pleasant and outgoing, willing to talk to people. He could even turn into the life and soul of family gatherings at Christmas. He'd joke and sing, but the next morning he'd be the same miserable, bad-tempered man. He was calm but cold to my mother. He didn't shout at her, certainly never hit her. I'm convinced, too, that he was completely faithful to my mother. He didn't go out enough to keep an affair going, and he never learned to drive. The prospect of lessons terrified him.

Question: He was physically cruel only to his children?

Melissa: Until we were too big to hit, say about 16, he would lash out at us whenever he was angry. It could be the tiniest thing such as talking during his favorite tv show. He'd jump up from his chair, rush over to me and slap me full in the face. I might only be 10 but he'd tell me I needed to learn a lesson. My mother and I might then leave the room together. He would give my brothers severe beatings, full force punches to their bodies and heads. I've seen him knock my little brother across the room with the force of a punch.

Question: Were none of you injured?

Melissa: We were bruised for sure. And it could hurt a long time afterward, but we never ended up in hospital, didn't need treatment. Back then you didn't think to talk with other people about what was going on, you hid it, kept it to yourself. You'd think to yourself, "Fathers are weird, they're really cruel".

Question: Was your father ever affectionate to you or your brothers?

Melissa: I can with complete honesty tell you he never said he loved us, not once. He never hugged us, there were no goodnight kisses when we were small. He was emotionally distant. Touch made him feel uncomfortable. I never heard him talk about feelings and emotions. He didn't read to us, didn't tuck us in at night, took no interest in our school work, never attended parent-teacher conferences, took no part in our social activities like soccer or karate club. My mom did all that. To me, my father had two modes of behavior: anger and indifference. I preferred the latter.

Question: When did you first put the words social anxiety to your father's condition?

Melissa: At university I had a boyfriend who was a psychology major. I sat in on some of his lectures. One day they were talking about social anxiety and the professor described a condition and situations that fitted exactly with what dad. I had something to pin his behavior on, he had a condition! That helped me so much.

Question: Did you try to do something with that information?

Melissa: I was so excited I talked to my mother about it. I thought we could persuade my dad to get treatment, that life would improve for him and my mom.

Question: What did your mother say?

Melissa: To her it was just psychobbable. She was like, "OK, we know he's moody and awkward, now you want us to call it social anxiety disorder. How does that help us?" She had a point. Even if we had a name for it, there was no way my dad would go into therapy, see a doctor, ask for help. If there was a problem, it wasn't his problem.

Question: Nothing happened?

Melissa: What could we do? This idea that someone suffering from a mental disorder should seek help, that only works if the person understands they have a problem. My dad didn't.

Question: Do you know anything about your father's childhood.

Melissa: All I know is that his father was a railway worker who drank heavily. His mother was a housekeeper for a few well-to-do families. I spent a few summers with them. They seemed good enough people.

Question: In your adult life, did you ever forgive your father, reconcile with him?

Melissa: I tried. One spring, I took him on a short vacation to take him off my mom's hands. He was about 70. In a restaurant one evening, I told him what he had been like to us kids. He listened, seemed unmoved and told me, "You kids were really demanding. It's not surprising I had to discipline you." I understood it was pointless talking to him. He had zero self-awareness.

Question: What was he like as he got older? Did his condition change?

Melissa: He wasn't as loud, wasn't physically violent but he was extremely cold and unreachable. Something that really hurt me when I had children of our own was that he completely ignored them. He took no interest in them. When they were old enough to speak, he wouldn't talk to them even if they asked him something. I had to tell my children, "Grandpa is a bit strange. Just leave him alone". It was horrible to see how a grandfather could completely refuse to connect with his grandkids. I stopped caring about him after that. When he died two years ago, I refused to attend his funeral.

Question: Do you see any signs of his condition in yourself or your brothers?

Melissa: The potential is there, but if I sense I am beginning to behave like him, I make a point of working on it and overcoming the behavior. In my twenties, I'd notice how I'd become anxious before social gatherings. I'd worry the night before a tutorial or a conference. The worry would build up making it difficult for me to sleep. I'd wonder what I was going to say the next day, what others would think of me, whether I'd say something stupid. I'd try to find reasons not to attend. Strangely enough, the worry and anxiety were always worse than the event itself. It was never as bad as I feared. The difference between me and my dad is I recognized what was going on and I overcame it, he did not.

Question: How about your brothers?

Melissa: I have two younger brothers. The youngest, 36, is in therapy for anger management. He's also on meds. The other brother, 40, is like me but more settled. I have had trouble settling into a career. I've never stayed longer than 14 months in any one job. My brother has stuck with the same job. He's very shy but he's successful.

Question: If you were in in the same situation as your mother, married to a man with social anxiety, how would you handle it?

Melissa: I'd say to my husband, "You have to get help. If you don't get treatment, I will leave and I'll take the kids with me." I would not let him get away with it. If he refused to get help, I would walk out, no doubt about it. What people like my dad don't understand is that their mental problems can ruin the lives of everyone around them. It has a lifelong impact. My 36-year-old brother is on meds to control his anger. I have to be vigilant, forcing myself to be sociable even though I have strong tendencies to be a loner. I find it much easier to have casual sex with a guy than to form a serious relationship. My other brother is extremely shy. He doesn't have any close friends. This is the legacy of my father's mental condition. Each of us kids spent at least 20 years around him, so of course his illness affected us.

Question: Finally what would you tell someone who recognizes their, or a spouse's, behavior in what you've been describing.

Melissa: If you are well enough to accept you have a problem, see a doctor, a therapist, a counselor. Get on the path to recovery. Your doctor will refer you to an expert to help you. If you don't want that type of help, you should try to put yourself in the situations that cause your anxiety. You'll probably find out the real problem is the worrying, not the situation itself. The situation, if you keep exposing yourself to it, will become harmless. That's what I learned. I joined a running club and a political party. I would be open with people, telling them, "I am very shy but I am working on not being shy". If they were interested, I'd tell them about my dad. Talking about him with people has helped me. The most difficult thing for me is small talk. I am inept at it, so I attend as many dinner parties and cocktail parties as I can. I throw myself into those situations and it's sink or swim. That's better than cutting yourself off from everyone around you.

by Marcia Thompson, an avid long distance runner who helps couples with issues of fitness, physical, emotional, and sexual mismatch.

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Social anxiety disorder, or social phobia, can be mentally crippling, making it unpleasant and often impossible to meet people and make friends. It prevents ambition and progress at work, and can cause huge problems in marriage, impacting every family member.