How to identify a schizotypal partner

[How to live with a spouse suffering from social anxiety disorder]

David, 49, spent six years living with Anne, 52, who suffers from schizotypal personality disorder, characterized by eccentric thinking, belief in ghosts and spirits, clairvoyancy, reading people's minds, and finding personal meaning in patterns, codes, and combinations of letters or inanimate objects. A schizotypal person can experience phantom pains, lack social skills, and be depressed.

or whether she actually believed them. After a couple of weeks, I found out that she really believed people could visit each other in their dreams. I didn't ask for an explanation of how it was done. I just thought to myself, "That's a weird way of looking at things". It was quirky and endearing, but it didn't seem harmful. A lot of people believe in ghosts and spirits. Lots of people believe in a supernatural god. I thought Anne's thinking wasn't too far removed from traditional religious thinking. I don't believe in the supernatural. Most forms of religious thinking are weird to me if they involve supernatural powers.

Question: You didn't suspect that Anne's way of thinking would cause tension in your relationship? 

David: I was falling in love. I thought it was important to to at least listen to her, not dismiss her thoughts. I translated them into something meaningful in my head, but I didn't take them that seriously. It didn't seem like an illness or a disorder, it just seemed very odd. I had never met anyone who took ghosts and spirits seriously, not as a big part of their lives. 

Anne did her job well, her house was neat and tidy. She had no money troubles. She had hardly any friends, but you don't think about a woman's lack of friends when you are falling in love with her.

Question: Were there any incidents early on which were beyond odd to you?

David: She had a laundry room in the basement of her house. She said she didn't like going down there because there was the ghost of an old guy who walked about. I went down there, did the laundry, spent time down there, I didn't experience anything odd, not even dripping taps and noises. It was an ordinary space with a washing machine and a drier.

Question: Did you tell her this?

Eric: Yes. I said I didn't hear or see anything down there. At first she told me I was not in tune with the spirit world, then she said the man must have moved on. She didn't like to have

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her views challenged, nor did she like to expend effort convincing people. She did tell me that her ex-husband -- she had been married twice before -- dismissed her beliefs as lunacy, which made her keep quiet about them. At least I encouraged her to talk. I didn't think of her as ill. I saw her as someone who chose to see and describe things differently from the rest of us. 

Question: Can you remember any other examples of her so-called magical thinking?

David: Oh yes, plenty. I started to collect them, write them down. I played with them to a certain extent. 

Question: What do you mean? 

David: If we were apart, talking on the phone, she might ask: "Are you wearing a green shirt?" I'd say yes or no to find out how she'd deal with each response.

Question: She thought she could read thoughts, see into the future?

David: Something like that. She certainly thought she could somehow receive information about colors, feelings, moods, that kind of thing. She said it was a matter of quantum mechanics. I really pressed her on that because I have a fairly good knowledge of physics. Quantum mechanics has nothing to do with clairvoyancy. Her argument was garbled at best, but it could sound convincing if you didn't know the physics. 

Question: You were able to manipulate her feelings about you by giving her the answers she wanted to hear?

David: I suppose so. I thought clairvoyancy, mind reading, and so on was all very silly. I had fun with it without making fun of her. I could tell there was nothing in it because she had no powers to predict anything other than very obvious things that anyone could come up with. She could say things like, "Someone has been very sad in this room." That's probably true of every room in the world. It's had a sad person in it at sometime. If you're susceptible to that kind of thinking, it can seem deep and meaningful. 

Question: Did she have friends who believed in magical thinking and supernatural powers?

David: Yes, she had a small group of friends who called themselves white witches. They thought they could help each other's careers by magical thinking, chanting, drumming, rituals, that kind of thing. She liked visiting local houses she thought were haunted. I went with her some times and saw no evidence of anything unusual. I thought of Anne'a beliefs as pre-Christian, pagan. It was New Age stuff: candles, crystals, smooth rocks, colored lights.

Anne was a highly educated, literate woman. She could defend herself very well if the subject was literature. She said things like, "Witchcraft is a feminist strategy against patriarchy. Traditional religion is dominated by men. Witchcraft empowers women." It wasn't an entirely wacko argument. 

Question: Did she ever talk about her childhood?

David: She didn't talk about it much. She said her mother was schizophrenic. She committed suicide when Anne was a teenager. Anne said she hated her mother, hated to be touched by her. She liked her father, but she described him as cold and absent. She wrote a book about him. He was a forestry worker. The family was very poor, living in a one-room house, a cabin, for much of her childhood.

Question: Were there times that you thought of her odd thinking as harmful or obstructive?

David: I didn't think if it as harmful. It was definitely odd as I got to know more about it. She was heavily into smooth rocks. She liked to go to a nearby river bed and collect smooth rocks and stones. She thought they had a special power. I'd help her carry the rocks back to her yard where she'd arrange them in a flower bed. It was good exercise carrying those rocks. 

I remember early on she wanted us to exchange silver rings. That seemed a good enough idea, a sign of our bond, but every time we had a difference of opinion or an argument, she'd hand me back my ring or throw it away saying my negative energy had contaminated the ring. Then we'd go through the same rigmarole of buying new rings. Luckily, silver isn't very expensive. We probably went through 10 rings in the six years we were together.

Question: What was your sex life like? Were you satisfied with it?

David: It was pretty good in the beginning. It got a bit old and tired toward the end. We tried to use sex as healing after each argument, which worked less and less well each time. 

Anne liked ritual to be part of our sex. She loved following a strict, pre-arranged order: we'd eat, then she would go and dress for sex. She liked to dress up specially, taking her time, choosing each item of clothing carefully. Then she'd present herself to me and I'd express approval. It was like a ceremony. The preparation for sex might take an hour or more. At first, it made the sex special and kinky. I did not fully understand the important of the rules and rituals to her. If I did something to change the order, like not wanting to wait a long time for her to prepare herself, she would get very upset, start crying, and there wouldn't be any sex. 

Question: She was rigid about ritual. You had to stick to the rules and order of it?

David: She wasn't a fanatic, we'd enjoy quickies once in a while, but I could tell that she loved sex to be done in steps with an order, sort of like a religious ceremony. And she liked lighting the room with scented candles, rubbing various oils on her body, shaving her p-ssy, an entire ceremony of preparation. At first it was fun, but too much ritual can become tedious.  

Question: Do you recall any other examples of her odd behavior or eccentric thinking?

David: She was constantly on the lookout for combinations of letters or words that held special meaning to her. They'd be meaningless to someone else, but she believed she was able to translate patterns and combinations of letters into meaningful statements. It might be something simple like seeing her initials on a car license plate, then 10 cars further on she'd see my initials. She'd argue that the number 10 had some special significance joining the two of us.

We might be walking in the forest and she'd see rocks or sticks formed into letters. She'd combine those with other letters she had seen earlier that day, forming them into a word. Often these patterns would make no sense at all if she tried to explain them, but she'd make notes about them in a diary she carried around with her. 

Often, she'd splice and edit these lines, letters and codes into poems that were like magic to her. To the rest of us it was impenetrable nonsense. She was even able to get some of this stuff published in book form. 

She also dabbled in Hinduism and Sanskrit. She invented an alter ego called Devi, a sort of female superhero willing to tackle patriarchy, scientific thinking, rationalism.

Question: You have described Anne's belief in spirits and ghosts, her magical thinking, her love of ritual, her ideas of reference -- finding meaning in shapes or combinations of letters or juxtaposition of events. What other aspects of her behavior did you notice?

David: Her eccentric thinking was the easiest to deal with. The worst apsects of her behavior were her depressions, which could be long and deep. They could appear seemingly out of nowhere. We might be sipping wine, laughing and chatting, then something I'd say would trigger a memory and she'd begin sobbing or accusing me or shouting. Her mood could literally switch in a sentence. She might stay like that for a couple of days. She'd be unreachable until her mood swung back again. I can't remember her ever having manic, upbeat episodes. It would be depressions, horrible, black-cloud depressions where she wouldn't want to do anything.

Questions: What did you do during these times?

David: It was difficult to do anything other than stay out of her way. My presence and words would deepen the depression, cause more tears, more accusations.

Question: Did she receive treatment for depression? Was she medicated?

David: Yes, she was constantly visiting the local health clinic. She was often very heavily medicated. And she believed in natural cures, the sort of stuff you buy in organic food stores, St John's wort, that kind of thing. She also believed in chanting, listening to tribal drumming.

Question: Did you notice a change in her condition as your relationship progressed?

David: It got rapidly worse in the last two or three years. Some of the depressions seemed endless; there was no let-up. She also started to develop pains all over, like rheumatism or fibromyalgia. She'd ache but wouldn't be able to localize the pain. No matter what medication she took, she'd complain of pain. And she'd be constantly tired, often sleeping all afternoon. Her tiredness exhausted all of those around her.

Question: You stayed with Anne for six years? Did you think about breaking up during this time?

David: We broke up half a dozen times but got back together again after a few days apart. She was an extremely loyal woman. She had few friends and almost no social life. During the good times, when she was cheerful, writing and working hard, she could be great company. I'd feel as though she was totally focused on us. It was a good feeling. It didn't last, but I enjoyed it when it was there. Even during the worst times, she'd go to work, teach, write, lecture. Even though she was off work for long periods, she had four books published in the years I was with her. She only allowed her depression to be visible at home.

Question: Do you think you contributed to her worsening condition?

David: Not directly. I think she got upset when she saw her magical thinking had no power over me. She couldn't use it to manipulate me as she did with her witch friends. It probably hurt her that I didn't take her clairvoyancy seriously. I think she relied too heavily on me to make her happy. She would often say it was my job as her partner to keep her healthy, make her happy, keep us together. If someone you love has a mental disorder, you can't just make them happy. 

With Anne, there was always something, often the tiniest thing, that could make her deeply depressed. The smell of a room, the color of it walls, the way books were arranged, all those things could shift her mood very quickly. She'd say they were signals or messages that something was not wrong. As a partner, do you play along with that, do you accept it, or do you question and criticize it? 

Question: How did your relationship end?

David: I couldn't take anymore. A partner's depressions can have a debilitating impact on everyone around them. It became too stressful. I wasn't happy, my work was suffering. I had to get out. 

Question: Do you have any contact with Anne?

David: No, none at all. That's a part of my life I don't want to revisit.

Marcia Thompson, the interviewer, is an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can occur in physically and psychologically mismatched relationships.

[If you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope? Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]

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