|
When do you
know your marriage will never get better?
I knew my marriage was over
when I got stuck in patterns of behavior that weren't doing
me, my kids, or husband any good.
I was desperately unhappy but
friends and family, especially religious friends and family,
were telling me to stick it out. One of them even said:
"Your life isn't that bad. At least your husband
doesn't beat you." Well, not being beaten isn't a good
enough reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.
And those religious friends
of mine weren't interested in my, or anyone else's,
happiness. It was all about their need to defend an
institution that they had learned must be defended at all
costs, even if it is going nowhere, making everyone
miserable and causing suffering to children.
Here's how I knew my
marriage over
I began to avoid my husband's
company, scheduling my day so I would not have to spend time
with him at home. I was able to live a tolerable life if I
was not in the same room as my husband. I'd wake up after he
had left for the office, thereby avoiding breakfast with
him. If he came home late, I would make sure I was in bed
either asleep or pretending to be asleep.
I avoided sex with him. Even
when he wanted it, I would invent reasons why I couldn't
have sex. The thought of it repulsed me. Physical contact
with the man made me sick and angry. I was no longer
prepared to give him what he wanted in the faint hope that
it might revive our failing relationship. I knew that when
he'd taken what he wanted, he'd go back to being hurtful and
neglectful.
His attempts at conversation
bored me. There were no surprises anymore. He would always
talk about his work, treating me as a landfill for his bad
feelings about his career. Since when did wives become sole
recipients of their husband's emotional garbage?
It's not our job to carry a
husband's entire unhappy burden. It's not my fault my
husband dislikes his boss, hasn't reached his sales targets,
lacks motivation to try harder. That's his work stuff. It's
not mine. Although there has to be some sharing of burdens
in a marriage, it can't all be one way, with one partner,
i.e. the wife, expected to do all the listening and caring.
Pretty quickly, I lost my
need and desire to be generous toward him. I don't mean in a
financial way, I mean I stopped being forgiving of his
faults and weaknesses. Some of them really began to irk me.
I hated how he simply assumed that tidying the house and
fixing dinner were my jobs, that his two testicles gave him
the right to shirk those responsibilities. I worked just as
many hours as he did, and I also looked after the house.
When I felt he had stopped caring for me, I stopped caring
about him.
I started to take an interest
in other men, not sexually, but I found other men I knew to
be more interesting than my husband. I enjoyed talking with
the next door neighbor, I wouldn't mind when guys at the gym
flirted with me, I enjoying working lunches with male
colleagues. I was seeking male contact because I did not
have it at home.
I reached a point where I
hoped my husband was having an affair, which would have
given me a straightforward reason to leave him. But I was so
lacking in interest that I couldn't be bothered to look for
condoms in his jacket pocket or study his credit card
receipts for hotel rooms he hadn't mentioned.
Before it had gotten this
far, I was willing to do almost anything to save our
marriage. So many husbands underestimate just how loyal and
selfless their wives are prepared to be. In exchange for
love, care, and attention, a woman will endure any hardship
for her husband.
A wife is usually the last
one to give up hope. She wants the marriage to work. She'll
sacrifice her own career and emotional happiness for
marriage to run smoothly. She doesn't want to be out there
alone in the world as the person who caused a marriage to
fail. She doesn't want her kids to live without a mom and a
dad. Separation and divorce are last resorts.
It hurts like hell when you
face the fact your marriage is going nowhere. It's a massive
failure, a huge defeat. All of your investment, your hopes,
your dreams and ambitions are washed down the drain, and you
must either accept you're going to live in misery by
remaining married (a choice that many women make), or you
take the bold step of starting over again.
Making the decision, coming
to the realization that your marriage is finished is the
hardest thing. It's like avoiding going to the dentist. You
worry about the pain, but once you're seated in that
dentist's chair it's not so bad after all.
Suddenly, your divorced
friends become sources of comfort, encouragement and advice.
You'll probably find that your children are much more
understanding that you thought they'd be. They'll tell you
they knew what was going on, even though you tried to
shelter them from it. Lawyers, financial planners, and
counselors will give you good advice because that's what
they're paid to do.
You start working your way
through a dense jungle of emotions, you'll shed gallons of
tears, you'll be sad, angry and resentful as you disentangle
yourself from the interwoven life you'd shared with your
husband, splitting up assets, agreeing over this,
disagreeing over that.
In time you become own
independent person again, willing to face the future and
ready for happiness. And, who knows, you and your ex might
become friends. It happened to me. Not every marriage has to
end in hatred and refusal to communicate and cooperate.
Good luck with your
decisions. Be brave. You do not have to put up with
unhappiness and neglect. A better life is waiting for you.
by Marcia Thompson
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
|
