The end of marriage

When is marriage at an end? What are the telltale signs a marriage cannot be saved? Is divorce inevitable, or can counseling save a seemingly impossible situation?

Science of love
Black stockings

Our first love fantasies are not so much lustful as loving and respectful. A woman is the pinnacle of desire. You can't wait until the day a woman will want and love you. When a young man falls in love, it is the best of all possible worlds.

I think my marriage is finished

Is my marriage over? Where there's life, there's hope. But some marriages are going nowhere despite the efforts of both spouses to improve the situation. We talk to 10 married people about tell-tale signs your marriage is at a dead end.

Question: We are talking to five women and five men who are either going through divorce or have decided to get divorced. We ask them how they know, or knew, their marriages were over.

Clare, 46: My marriage went through a long, predictable decline that lasted 20 years. We started off very happy, then ended up at the stage where there was no desire anymore, certainly no sex. Our marriage was so predictable. It's like we knew too much about each other and we weren't interested in exploring new things together, didn't enjoy each other's company. We both agreed it was pointless to carry on. We divorced amicably.

Stockings

Guitar great Ry Cooder, happily married for many years to photographer Susan Titelman


Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods

Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods: soon to be divorced. Woods' philandering has put an impossible strain on the marriage.


Ellen Barkin

Actress Ellen Barkin, twice divorced, once amicably to actor Gabriel Byrne and once messily to businessman Ronald Perelman

Alan, 54: I was in a happy marriage for 19 years. I can't say there were any problems. Then I met a woman on a ski trip who just blew me away. I realized there was so much I was missing out on. Both of us wanted to divorce and marry as quickly as possible. I left my wife, my lover left her husband. We've been married for eight years and it's still fantastic. We have everything: great sex, trust, companionship, shared interests like skiing and running. There's no doubt in my mind it was the right decision. What I have in my second marriage, I never had in my first. It was a case of finding a true soulmate and falling deeply in love.

Tasha, 43: My marriage was over the moment I found out my husband was having an affair that had lasted four years, half our married life. Four years isn't a one-night stand or a silly mistake. It's planned betrayal. It's cowardice. I told him as soon as I found out, It's over, I'm leaving you". He was stunned. I hope he rots in hell.

Jim, 45: I was driving home one day and thought to myself, I dread going home. I hate it. After a long day at the office, you should look forward to seeing your wife. I didn't. I knew she'd be in a bad mood; there was always something wrong with her. She was angry all the time, frustrated with her life. Home was a war zone. I would walk into the house and my heart would sink. My wife didn't greet me, there was no warmth between us. We didn't talk to each other. I asked a therapist friend if had any idea what was going on. He told me my wife was probably depressed, which sounded right. I talked to her about getting help but she wouldn't. After two years of it with no sign of improvement, I told her I wanted a divorce. I had to get out before she dragged us both down.

Laura, 39: It was obvious to me we were headed for divorce when I started running marathons at 33. We'd been married four years. My husband was 45 and in pretty bad shape. He was 30 pounds overweight, a smoker, and he drank too much. I used to train with guys in their 50s who could run a marathon in three hours, then I'd come home to this guy who was too lazy to rake leaves in the yard. When you become very fit, your sex drive goes up, you're mentally alert. I didn't want to waste my life with a guy who was going nowhere, so I left him. I have no regrets

Kitt, 41: I got bored with my wife. I was going places at work, I was at school in the evenings doing a masters degree. My wife was at home not even looking after herself. I couldn't stand looking at her. I was working with men and women who looked sharp, really took care of their appearance. My wife neglected our home, she wasn't interested in getting a job. She was ok with the kids, in fact that's all she seemed to be interested in. I'm convinced she was depressed. I couldn't stand her. Divorce was easy.

Divorce for newbies

Written by Mary Reed, Divorce For Dummies covers the range of subjects you need to know if you're contemplating or planning divorce.

Tammi, 59: That's true. When raising a family is behind you, life kind of opens up and you see all sorts of possibilities. It's like waking up to a new day. I am probably more highly sexed now than at any time since my early 20s. I'm ready for lots of good sex. But I don't want to settle for the routine of the guy gets hard, he sticks it in, he moves in and out, he finishes, he rolls off, he goes to sleep. I won't do that anymore.

Gloria, 48: Our sex life was non-existent. I had to initiate all the sex in our marriage. My husband seemed so bored with me, with sex, with our marriage, I got so frustrated with him. I'd need sex and he couldn't get it up. The few times he could get it up, he didn't seem interested. His sex drive was so low. I was sure he needed treatment but he wouldn't go. I met a men while I was still married and we had great sex. I left my husband when I knew he would not be able to satisfy me. Sex is an important part of my life. I did not want to live without it.

After an Affair

Written by award-winning psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful is the best book about ending an affair.

Recommended by marriage counselors across the country, it takes you from crisis and conflict, to forgiveness and reconciliation.

Evan, 54: About three months into my second marriage I realized I'd made a terrible mistake. After a short, intense love affair with fantastic sex, we got married without thinking it through. What did we have in common? Just the sex. There are some women who are great for a love affair, but amazing sex is not a good enough reason to marry. We couldn't stand each other when we were married, even the sex went dead. We both wanted out.

Jackie, 64: After 30 years of marriage I caught my husband having sex with a woman 20 years younger than him. He was 65. I was prepared to forgive him if he promised to stop, but he couldn't. He was just so amazed he'd found a younger woman he couldn't stop seeing her, couldn't stop lying to me. It was painful and so difficult to leave after all those years. Our kids were adults. We were both retired, we had two homes. We had it all. But I couldn't stay with a man who needed sex with another woman. I think it devastated him that I left but it was the only choice.


By Fila Ferme, OSL

The stuff of life

FIJI Water Company

Violent parents: Abusive parents damage their children in ways that carry on into adult life. Kids who have been hit develop ways of protecting themselves that become repeated in adult life as unhelpful retreat and withdrawal.

Diane Lane

We help you deal understand how violence in the home impacts your adult life. We show a way forward so you are no longer a prisoner of a painful past.



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