FrICTION                                      Election 2008

Obama Wins Debate  Maxed Out Moms Palin Guilty of Troopergate Abuse  Joe Six Pack and Wendy Wine Cooler McCain Flip Flopper

Judging Amy Brenneman, feminist and for Obama

Sarah Palin's Fitness Program Mortgage Madness  Palin & Dinosaurs VP debate Newsweek & Palin

"All United on The Road to Death" 

An abridged transcript of John McCain's address to the National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) Convention in Orlando, Florida. The NFDA is based in Brookfield, Wisconsin.

"Good evening, my friends, though I'm not sure I want to call you friends [mild laughter]. This is a mortifying experience for me, a grave undertaking if you will [embarrassed laughter]. As you know, I am 72 years old and will soon be needing your services [mild laughter].

fun back into funeral, a task that's equal to reviving our ailing economy. In fact, my friends, many brilliant people are saying that with banks failing, homes being foreclosed, and honest Americans losing their jobs that our great American economy is already stretched out on the slab in the funeral parlor."

"That, my friends, is nonsense. The American economy is the strongest in the world. The American worker is the best, most productive, and innovative in the world. In your own industry, we see constant innovation, new ways to pass from this life to whatever is beyond it. Yours is an industry that not only requires innovation but trust. Families have to know that their dearly departed members are treated with dignity and respect. That same trust, that dignity, the calm hand on the tiller, the firm hand on the pine box, these

qualities are needed to once again make America great. Those qualities were in very short supply on Wall Street in recent years."

"Now, my friends, I would like to speak to you about the differences between my opponent -- I will not name that one by his name; you know who I mean -- and myself. As you know, I am a man of his word, a true American patriot. I have a long track record of doing the right thing, of standing up for the man and woman on Main Street. I am a friend of businesses such as yours. I want to reform the tax code, I want to eliminate greed and corruption so that family businesses have a much better chance of thriving in this challenging world we face. My friends, I suffered for five long years in an awful prison camp, and many times I stared death straight in the eyes. I didn't flinch, but I knew that my death in that prison camp would not have been as pleasant as the one you offer your clients."

 "What's more my friends, my opponent's policies would sound the death knell of most of the ways in which you make your businesses profitable. The requirement to be buried within 24 hours of death would mean an end to your profits from the complicated procedure of preserving bodies for viewing, all the wonderful cosmetic work you do."

"You see my friends, you can put lipstick and rouge on a corpse, but in the cold light of day, it's still a corpse. My opponent's proposals for your industry must be pronounced dead on arrival. What my opponent seeks for America is D.O.A. "

"So my friends, let me round off my giving you my bucket list for your industry. This is why the McCain-Palin ticket makes sense for deathcare: I propose a sweeping rescue package for your industry so that those of you about to go under as a result of the credit squeeze will be able to continue with renewed vigor; I will scrap the national estate tax; I will give you a tax credit on all costs associated with top of the range caskets; I will spend $250 million on establishing a fund to help young people wishing to do graduate school work in deathcare science; I will devote $2 billion to investigating the opportunities for more environmental awareness in your industry such as recyclable and biodegradable caskets; I will help you to invest in new cremation facilities because we are seeing a massive nationwide shift toward cremation rather than burial; I will, following my running mate's advice, withdraw $10 million from funding for climate change research and instead devote it to investigating the final frontier ... not space my friends, but death and all that lies beyond."

"These, my friends, are my promises to you, the NFDA, here in Orlando. I thank you for the opportunity to speak to you this evening. I wish you well for the remainder of your convention."  

(This FrICTIONALIZED transcipt is brought to you courtesy of our correspondent in Florida.)

What do you think? We welcome contributions from left, right and between

Read Guestbook comments here

What must the GOP be thinking now? Get Out Palin