The hard road to separation and divorce
Marriages are in a constant state of change. We talk of growing and aging together, or growing apart, no longer recognizing a spouse you used to adore and admire. There can be many reasons for this, all placing a strain on the best marriages.
Has your once athletic husband turned into a beer-swilling couch potato?
Women come alive at 40
I meet so many couples where the wife gets to her mid-40s and suddenly feels alive and confident, wanting to break out in bold new directions. It might take the form of going back to school, wanting to travel, developing totally new hobbies, or reviving interests that have been dormant for decades.
It's not uncommon for the former high school athlete to start running again, competing in 5 and 10k road races, even marathons. I know plenty of women who at 50 decided they wanted to be triathletes or rock climbers.
Low profile
In most cases, the husbands scratched their heads, kept a low profile, and thought the phase would pass. Usually it doesn't, not if it involves a commitment to competitive sport or completing a doctorate. These are usually life-changers. The husband has to learn to adapt and support his wife.
While many women come alive at 40 and above, their husbands become lazy and overweight
Serious marital problems can be caused by husbands losing their ambition in their 40 and 50s. They think they have done enough in their lives; it's time to settle back and enjoy the fruits of decades of hard work.
Couch potato
Husbands might develop a keen interest in their yards; they're ready to relax more, which for many men involves eating more food, consuming more alcohol, and becoming extremely sedentary. It seems that for every new, middle-aged runner or triathlete in the world, there's a newly-hatched couch potato longing to put on the pounds and enjoy his life of leisure.
I have noticed that a lot of these men have a false image of themselves. I might be looking at a 230 pound guy who has trouble climbing from the basement to his kitchen, while he still sees himself as the college football star: fit, virile, and attractive to women.
Career women in their 40s do not want an unambitious, idle husband who cannot deliver in bed
Lazy lifestyle
If it weren't for the fact that it takes serious time and effort losing those excess pounds and recovering from years of, well, lazing around, men would look better than they do. Even if they enjoy food and drink, they don't love being fat. They learn to live with obesity but they know it's an embarrassing problem, adversely affecting their health and sex lives.
I have met many men who climbed the corporate ladder because they felt compelled to. They provided for their families and for retirement. No one asked them whether they enjoyed their working lives -- many didn't, many hated their jobs, and they are relieved when they have the opportunity to relax and take a back seat.
We can't overlook that apathy and an inability to tackle new challenges can be a sign of crisis and depression. Many men hit their 40s and plummet into crisis, believing their lives to be over. One man described it to me as, "The script of my life has already been written". He felt there were no more challenges to face, no more excitement coming his way, nothing that could bring him joy. This crisis often disappears once the man has learned to accept the phase of life known as middle age. Others require help in the form of counseling or therapy, or even medication
Total lack of ambition
I have been working with a couple where the husband lacked ambition his entire life. He did exactly the same job for 40 years, was never promoted and received only small annual salary increases. His pay was high enough to buy a house, cover the bills, have one or two vacations a year, but his wife felt there was something lacking.
At the first opportunity, in his late 50s, he took early retirement, which his wife saw as an opportunity for both of them to sign up or new activities: an improved social life; regular meals out; dance lessons; the local choir -- all of which he refused to do.
Only then did it become apparent to her that her husband was hiding and harboring a serious condition, which was later diagnosed as social anxiety syndrome, or social phobia. He hated meeting people, could not cope with the challenges of social interaction, or job interviews, or meals with friends and colleagues. He went into a cold sweat and sleepless nights if he was expected to do something as simple as going out to dinner with his wife and her colleagues.
Social anxiety
His social anxiety had prevented him from progressing at work, from attending evening classes which would have given him improved job prospects, and from applying for better jobs. Each new challenge was avoided by either blame, subterfuge, or a fit of rage that made his wife back off.
The man point blank refused treatment of any kind other than our conversations and two meetings with an analyst. It was a huge step for him to admit he had a problem. He had been aware since childhood of his "shyness", as he put it, but he had never mentioned it to anyone, even believing his own feeble excuses to himself that his problems were someone else's fault.
He would say things like, "I am not going out to dinner with those folks, they're so boring", or "I'm not applying for that job, you have to kiss the manager's behind", or "I do not want that family at my house. I can't stand their kids". The words were said so forcefully that his wife always retreated and let him have his way. She didn't put 2 and 2 together and conclude that her husband suffered from a condition requiring treatment if their lives were to have any hope of improving.
Her solution, after much heartache, was to carve out her own life with friends and new social activities. She let her husband do what he was most comfortable doing, i.e. remain at home avoiding people. It worked well for her and for him, and they are still married.
Extreme case
This is an extreme case, but it highlights what can happen when one person's plans, ambitions, and hopes are not matched by their partner. What are the options if the partner refuses to change, will not seek help? You either need a survival strategy that takes care of your interests, or you leave and pursue a new life.
The option of sweeping your own ambitions under the rug is not really an option at all because it results in bitterness, resentment, anger, even hatred.
The dangers of pursuing new interests alone is that you're likely to meet people you find stimulating and attractive, and who are attracted to you. What do you do when a friendship becomes too intimate, when you feel yourself wanting more of a person than coffee and chats? Do you go down that path or resist the urge?
Facing life's challenges
These are questions for which there are no easy answers, and the spouse lacking ambition, the one refusing to face new challenges, needs to know they are putting unbearable pressure on a marriage because they are forever holding their spouses hostage to problems that are not of their making.
In this day and age, no one is expected to remain in a relationship that has become destructive and abusive. Separation and divorce might be last resorts, but they are viable options for any spouse who has reached a dead end and wants a fresh start. You should not believe anyone who tells you otherwise.
Interview by Marcia Thompson, who's an avid distance runner. She helps couples get in shape together, guiding them through the many obstacles that can occur in physically mismatched relationships.