Protestant pastor abuses position of trust
Frank came home early from work, hoping to surprise his wife and take her out for dinner. Instead, the surprise was on him as he found his wife in bed with the pastor of their church.
Question: How did you find your wife in bed with your pastor?
Frank: With my own eyes! I'd been pulling some late nights at work for quite a while. I felt sorry for my wife, Tammi, but there was nothing I could do about having to work all those extra hours. But one day I finished early. I thought I'd surprise Tammi by coming home early and taking her out to dinner.
Question: What happened?
Frank: It was about 4 in the afternoon, I parked the car in the garage, went into the house, didn't call out for Tammi, looked for her downstairs, she wasn't there, I crept upstairs, opened our bedroom door and there she was in bed with the pastor of our church, the two of them naked side by side.
Question: What was your response?
Frank: I looked at my wife, who was horror-struck, totally speechless. I looked at the pastor, who was naked in my bed and I'd never even seen him in a t-shirt. He started to speak and I thought I'm not gonna let him explain. I walked out of the bedroom, got in my car and drove. I started out in South Bend, Indiana, reached Chicago, kept driving, reached Milwaukee, kept driving. Then I thought, screw it, I'll keep driving until I get fed up, until it doesn't hurt anymore.
Question: When did the hurt stop?
Frank: I didn't. I kept on driving. When I got tired, somewhere in Iowa, I pulled over at a rest stop, lay down on the back seat and slept for five, six hours. I felt like crap, I probably smelled like crap but I kept on driving until I got to this dusty little town on I40 called Moriarty, New Mexico. There I checked into the cheapest motel I could find, a place with no internet and no phone, no tub, $28 a night. I stayed there for four days. I bought some t-shirts, a couple of pairs of pants, toiletries at a truck stop, had breakfast and lunch there with the truck drivers. I started to think about what I had done, what I had seen at home.
Question: Did the fact that it was your pastor sleeping with your wife make it even worse?
Frank: I did ask myself, How come people of faith behave unfaithfully?
, but then I understood pretty quickly that a pastor is no one special. He might have some years of theological training under his belt, but he's still a human being like the rest of us, subject to the same temptations, just as weak. As we've seen in the Catholic Church in particular, child abuse is rampant. Which means a priest is perfectly capable of sleeping with another person's wife if he's made that way. In fact, being a priest probably makes it easier for you to abuse relationships because it is a position of trust.
Question: Did you contact your wife, your workplace, the pastor during your long drive?
Frank: I didn't contact anyone. I was numb on that drive. Every time the image of my wife and pastor in bed popped into my head, I cut it out, concentrated on the driving, turned the radio up loud, sang along to some songs, I had no plan and no important thoughts in my head. I probably cried a bit, too. I haven't been an ideal husband, but I've been faithful, I've worked hard, and I loved my wife.
Question: Did anything change when you stayed in Moriarty?
Frank: It was the kind of motel where I'd stay as a student when I drove to the Rockies to ski, so those happy memories came flooding back. When I was in my early 20s, I'd look for the cheapest motels always trying to find a lower price than the previous place. It was a fun competition. Anyway, I was pleased when I found this place for 28 bucks a night. No phone, I'd left my laptop and cell phone at home, I couldn't be contacted.
Question: Were you aware of having any aim or purpose with your drive?
Frank: None that I am aware of it. I wasn't punishing my wife, nothing like that. I guess I was shocked and in pain, didn't know how to respond. It's one thing when your wife is sleeping with another guy, but when it's the pastor, it's something else altogether. A pastor might be tempted to sleep around, but he's not supposed to let it happen. He's meant to build community, not destroy it. I didn't feel violent toward him, didn't want to break his neck. I kept wondering how they could do it.
Question: Had you no idea that your wife and the pastor were close?
Frank: No more than anyone else. I mean, I know people said that women liked the guy, but I didn't think it meant he slept with them. The man's married with four young kids. We, the members, are supposed to be the weak ones, not the pastor. It's a weird example to set. I'm pretty sure it's not recommended behavior in the Book of Discipline.
Question: How close were you to the pastor? Was he a family friend?
Frank: I didn't like the guy and I didn't dislike him. Church is not a big part of my life, I go on Sunday but I'm not active. My wife is on a bunch of committees, she must have known him better than I did, even before they were jumping in bed together.
Question: So you have no idea how long your wife had been having sex with him?
Frank: How could I? It was a total surprise. I don't think my wife is the kind of woman who jumps into bed with any guy -- I'm guessing she had been seeing him, sleeping with him for a while. I knew he had a reputation for understanding women, which I thought meant he took an interest in their issues and problems, he could understand their language.
Question: Have you any idea or theory how your wife ended up sleeping with the pastor?
Frank: I'm guessing Tammi trusted him, went to him for advice. It's always been difficult for her that she can't have children. Maybe they talked about that. And the pastor, being a guy, he probably mistook that closeness, he handled it the wrong way. The way I see it, so many guys, maybe most guys, being close to a woman means having sex with her. A woman takes an interest in a man, she trusts him, and the man thinks the woman wants to sleep with him. And a woman in a vulnerable situation she might sleep with a guy when she really just wants to be comforted and understood. That's my clumsy way of explaining it to myself. I don't expect a better answer from Tammi or the pastor.
Question: What are your feelings toward the pastor now?
Frank: He's not my hero, to say the least. But I don't want to destroy him. There are innocent people at risk, his wife, his children. I don't want to harm those people, they did nothing wrong. But the pastor must pay the price for his destructive behavior. He should leave our church.
Question: Do you think you have failed to listen to your wife in the past, not taken her worries seriously?
Frank: For me, it was a case of, ok, we can't have kids, that's sad, but let's move on. She didn't want to adopt, which I was willing to do, which meant we had to cope, you can't mope about problems that have no solution. So, yes, I was probably not as sympathetic and understanding as I needed to be. But it's easy for a pastor to be understanding, that's his job. He preaches on Sunday, and he spends the rest of the week listening to people whining, praying with them, making suggestions.
Question: What was your next step after driving to Moriarty?
Frank: Moriarty is very close to Albuquerque where I went to university. I had the best years of my life there. I love the city, the food, the culture of the place, the climate, the relaxed atmosphere of the city. I liked driving up to the top of the Sandia mountains east of the city and looking down over the Rio Grande valley as the sun was setting. Albuquerque felt like a good place to be headed, but I was pretty aimless, there was no grand plan.
Question: Did you start to think of your wife, the pastor, what you and your wife were going to do? Did you want to talk to her?
Frank: At first I was numb and shocked. I felt deceived. I then got very angry, I didn't want to talk to Tammi when I was angry. Nor did I want to give her the chance to explain everything away. I wanted to hit back hard. I wanted to divorce her, I was clear about that. And I wanted to force the pastor to resign. If I couldn't get him to resign, I would tell his family, the congregation, and the bishop that I had found him in bed with my wife. I envisaged he'd lie to save his skin, try to justify his behavior in some way, but I figured he'd have to resign to avoid a big mess in his life.
Question: How long did you stay in Albuquerque?
Frank: Not long, about a week. I was away two weeks in total. It was enough to cause my wife to panic, scare the pastor. I wanted them to think I'd done something bold and drastic, maybe killed myself or gone nuts, left the country, something like that.
But in the end you have to come back to earth, face your responsibilities, deal with stuff. You can run away from your problems for a short while, then you have to come back and face them. I had to smooth things over at work, tell them there was this huge personal crisis I went through, they were angry and puzzled but it was ok. A lot of people were looking for me, they thought I'd lost my marbles, which I suppose I had but I wasn't out of control.
Question: Are you talking to your wife?
Frank: Talking and talking. I told her I want a divorce, so that's in the pipeline. I live in a small apartment at the moment while we figure out what's going to happen to the house. She's begging me to forgive her, but I can't. Our marriage is over.
Question: And the pastor?
Frank: He's a sad man really. He was in a terrible panic when I met with him. He said it was a terrible mistake, he wanted me to forgive him, he wanted to pray. I told him the time for prayer was before he started screwing my wife. He told me not to blame her, it was all his fault, he was under pressure in the church, at home, his wife was unhappy, he was overworked, blah, blah, blah. I laid it out to him pretty straight: You resign or I go public with what you did
.
He wants to avoid a scandal and he's pretty scared. I don't know if he's been in touch with Tammi or not, whether they are cooking up a plan to deny that the whole thing happened. I don't care. I am going to pursue the guy until he goes.
Question: And how are you coping?
Frank: You know what, sometimes I laugh about it. In the end it was just sex, that's all it was. They didn't rob a bank, didn't kidnap anyone. It was two people in bed together, trouble is, one of those people was my wife and the other one was her pastor. My wife regrets it, the pastor sure regrets it, but it was a point of no return. They shouldn't have gone there. I feel in control of the situation and it's not going to get me down. I'm done with church though, they can keep it.
Marcia Thompson
Readers respond
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Fran, Nashville Let's face facts. The church has long been a safe haven for abuse and abusers. The balanced view is that the church has done a lot of good and a lot of harm. It aims to serve God but is run by sinful human beings.
Cindi, Dallas The pastor of our church preached from the pulpit that gays were going to hell. Behind our backs, he was having affairs with young men. Ordained men can be flawed too. Some of them are going to Hell.
Bill, Bowling Green Pastors are overworked and underpaid. If a woman shows them too much understanding, a pastor can easily be weak and submit to carnal desires.
Joan, Calhoun, Georgia I had an affair with our pastor. He said his wife didn't understand him and didn't give him what he needed. I was young and naive and gave him just what he needed until he asked me to leave the congregation.
Nelda, Wichita The pastor of our church slept with at least five married women. He was a real charming guy with a good heart, but he could not control his desire for female flesh. I guess it was his one weakness.
Connie, Toronto Most men, whether straight or gay, have a high sex drive, which is why we love them and hate them in equal measure. I was once married to a man with zero drive. He loved the couch, beer, and television. I could have been sleeping with an entire football team and he wouldn't have noticed.
Leighton, Denver It's no wonder that churches are losing members by the millions. People are perfectly capable of distinguishing between right and wrong without the influence of corrupt and abusive clergy.