My passive aggressive wife is ruining our marriage
Passive aggressive behavior is not classed as a personality disorder but is enough of a problem to cause tension and conflict at work, in friendships, and marriage. Passive aggressive people display anger and resentment via obstructive behavior. On the surface they can seem cooperative and willing to tackle tasks, but they are constantly putting up barriers, delaying, transferring blame, and manipulating people.
Question: Welcome, Rick. Your wife Linda is passive aggressive. How does this manifest itself in your daily lives?
Rick: If you met Linda for the first time or didn't know her well, you'd find her enthusiastic, alert, charming, and eager to tackle new tasks. The problems start after she's taken on a task she has willingly accepted. Nothing happens, there's delay after delay, a mountain of excuses.
It can be a simple matter of promising to stop off at the grocery store on the way home, then conveniently forgetting to do so. Or it can be more serious, such as promising to send vital paperwork to our accountant, then losing the paperwork. Other examples might be that she promises to take an afternoon off work to help redecorate the basement. She'll arrive late, then answer lots of calls upstairs so that she ends up doing no painting and decorating.
Question: This type of behavior is used by all of us from time to time, isn't it? It's a non-confrontational way of avoiding unpleasant tasks. Why has it become a problem in your marriage?
Rick: Linda's passive aggressive responses are a habit. It's how she responds to almost every request or assigned task.
Question: Have you done any reading or research into why your wife might have this problem?
Rick: As I understand it, the problem can be rooted in childhood. I think Linda had demanding parents who were not physically present in her life. They often expressed disappointment at her choices, her studies, her work. Whatever she has achieved, her mother or father were better at it. She's had some difficult goals to live up to. Those parents placed an immense burden on her.
I figure she could not fight back with words or anger. She didn't dare do that, she had too much respect for her mother and father, so she fought back in passive ways, sabotaging her own progress, which hurt him.
Question: Your reasoning sounds plausible.
Rick: It's obviously not the whole explanation, but it's a big part of the picture.
Question: Does your wife often lose things?
Rick: She loses so many things that I have often wondered whether she has memory problems, but I'm convinced it's not that. She'll lose things that are important to me or other people, and she'll lose things as a way of making a point. We might be in a store and I'll tell her I need the car keys I gave so I can go fetch something from the car. She'll deny having the keys even though I know I gave them to her. I'll ask her to check her purse, she'll calmly say, "You must have them". I'll search through my pockets, they're not there. She'll say, "You probably dropped them outside." I'll go through the motions of going outside to look. Back in the store, she'll hold up the keys: "Sorry, I forgot I put them in jacket pocket." This kind of thing happens all the time.
Question: You say it can happen in serious matters too such as mailing vital paperwork. Can you give some more examples?
Rick: The paperwork for the accountant was a big problem. She promised and promised to get her receipts in order so that I could go through them before giving them to our accountant. There was delay after delay after delay. Months and months. The accountant started to get irritated. Other examples are just variations on that theme.
Question: You must have gotten wise to this. You don't fall into the trap so often.
Rick: There's a real problem there. If I don't intervene, jobs don't get done at all and Linda will keep shifting blame away from herself. Over the years, it's amazing the number of jobs I, or someone else, has volunteered to do for her.
Question: Does she lie to you and other people?
Rick: At first, I didn't think she did. I had trouble working out whether she was lying or being forgetful or whether it was inattention to detail. Once, she asked me to pick her up from Chicago O'Hare Airport. I was there on time, waited and waited. Her cell phone was turned off as usual. Then there was an announcement for me to come to the information desk. They told me my wife was at Chicago Midway. I drove there, it took forever. Linda did her usual routine of saying it was amazing how I could confuse simple details such as which airport she was at.
Question: It's unclear whether that's a lie or deliberate forgetfulness.
Rick: It doesn't matter. It's obstructive in any case. I think she uses lies as a last resort. If lateness, obstruction and forgetfulness don't work for her, she'll lie.
Question: Is lateness for appointments a major feature of her behavior?
Rick: Very much so. It is one of the most infuriating aspects of her behavior. In the beginning of our marriage she'd think nothing about arriving 30 minutes or an hour late for appointments with me. It would drive me crazy. I'd be angry, waiting for an explanation or an apology and she'd calmly say, "I do my best to be on time but I can't help it if there's a crisis at work that needs to be solved". There's often a crisis that makes her late.
Question: How did you handle her lateness so that it stopped making you angry?
Rick: I would assume she'd always be at least 20 minutes late for appointments, which lowered stress levels for me. I didn't tell her this because she would have added the 20 minutes to her usual lateness.
Question: Does she have any other persistent behaviors that obstruct you and others, herself even?
Rick: She hardly ever carries her cell phone with her or it's not charged, or she has lost the charger, or she hasn't paid the bill. I got her a pay-as-you-go phone to get round the problem of unpaid bills, but that didn't help. I suppose if she's never reachable, she doesn't have to explain where she is, why she's late. It's another obstacle she puts in people's way.
Question: Have you ever suspected she might be having an affair?
Rick: It's crossed my mind, but I don't see any signs of it. Her obstructive behavior isn't used as though it's just there to cover up time that might be spent with some guy, it's all the time. She so careless about where leaves her purse, paperwork, cellphone, I don't think she has a secret lover. If she did, I hope the guy has more luck that I do.
Question: Would you mind if she had a lover?
Rick: I don't know how I'd react until I had firm evidence. I'm assuming she doesn't.
Question: Have you ever confronted her about her behavior, told her she needs help or needs to change?
Rick: I have often told her we need to talk about our marriage. I'll tell her I can't carry on, I need to sort out our problems. She'll say, It's strange that you're unhappy when you're the one with the undemanding job that allows you to work from home. I should be the unhappy one. This marriage would fall apart if I allowed myself to be unhappy.
Question: In other words, she will not shoulder any of the blame for tension in your marriage, will not accept she is a cause of some of your marital issues? She will not take steps to do things that would make the two of you happier?
Rick: The main theme of our marriage is shifting blame to me or others, or to circumstances. She will not shoulder any responsibility. She describes herself as the one making all the sacrifices, working the hardest, and enjoying herself the least. She says she has done more than anyone to make me happy and that I seem unconcerned about her happiness. I am ungrateful, she says. This will all be said very calmly. She doesn't get angry, doesn't raise her voice.
Question: What happens if you give her specific examples of her obstructive and destructive behavior.
Rick: She'll say, It's interesting how you've got time on your hands to monitor my every move, time to compile lists. I'm too busy getting on with my life and paying the family's bills to do that kind of thing.
Question: How do you explain to yourself what's going on? Have you considered how you might have encouraged her obstructive behavior?
Rick: I have the hard evidence of the behavior and I have to live with and cope with the behavior. I am not an expert, so I can only speculate about the deep-seated motives. Because she won't seek help, I have to find ways to make the marriage more bearable. I think she has a lot of anger, resentment and frustration. Her passive aggressive behavior might have started as self-protection but it has become self-destructive, and it is definitely destructive of relationships and opportunities. Early on, I encouraged her behavior by allowing myself to be manipulated by it, by feeling guilty and wanting to help her. I also believed many of her lies and excuses.
Question: Have you developed any strategies that improve the situation for you?
Rick: I now treat her behavior as something programmed into her she can't control. She won't seek help, so she isn't going to change. I have to be smart about finding ways to live with her condition if I want to stay happy. I now refuse to participate in her behavior, refuse to take part in the game, the destructive patterns. I don't rely on her and don't trust her. If I want to do something or be somewhere, I do it. If she turns up, fine. If she doesn't, fine.
Question: How does this help your marriage?
Rick: I am no longer walking on egg shells trying to make someone happy who cannot be made happy. I don't enable Linda's obstructiveness. I don't allow her to set the agenda for our lives.
Question: Have you ever thought about separation and divorce?
Rick: No! I love my wife, even with her problems. Divorce is not an option for me.
Rick: I don't think she likes me anymore because I have fought her so much about her behavior.
Question: Do you still love your wife?
Rick: Yes, I do.
Question: Do you think she loves you?
Rick: No, she says she hates me -- but I don't know if she means that.
Question: Finally, we have to ask, do you accept any responsibility for the state of your marriage? Are there any things you could or should have done differently?
Rick: Yes. I see passive aggressive people as unwitting bullies. They get what they want by manipulating your feelings. I should have been stronger from the start, refusing to play the games. You have to be assertive, be able to give a firm no. You need self-confidence and a thick skin if you're going to handle living with a passive aggressive person. I enabled Linda's obstructive behavior by allowing myself to feel guilty.
by Giles Devos.