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Protect yourself from sociopaths

Anya, 52, a college professor fell in love with Tom, a sociopathic man. At first he was charming, brilliant, full of exciting ideas. As she got to know him, she found out he had no money, couldn't keep a job, and his get-rich schemes went nowhere. His emotions lacked depth. He only cared about himself, and he manipulated others, feeling no remorse about the damage he caused.

Question: How did you meet and fall in love with Tom?

Anya: It was at a dinner party I had arranged for my sister. She was celebrating promotion at work. She invited along this man, Tom, and his wife. Almost immediately, I felt attracted to him, which was odd because I was happily married. I can't say that I had any marriage problems at all.

I'm a college professor whose field is English literature. I had gotten used to my husband not really taking an interest in my work or research. At dinner parties the conversation is often focused on what the men have to say, the wives just back them up, encouraging the men to tell stories.

Tom was different. He addressed me directly across the dinner table about my work. It silenced the conversation. People stopped their chit chat and listened. He asked follow-up questions which I thought were very insightful. He even talked about some authors I love. He took an interest in me, my work.

By the way, there's an excellent book by Harvard psychologist Martha Stout called The Sociopath Next Door. She shows how sociopaths can be anywhere: next door, at work; we can even be married to a sociopath without really understanding it.

Question: Yes, Martha Stout's book is great. Anyway, what happened next to you?

Anja: I made a point of being the one to top up Tom's wine glass. I wanted to be close to him for some reason. I felt drawn to him. He sat with his wife most of the evening. There was no sign of tension between them, I think they held hands. Whenever I approached him he'd smile at me. I was impressed with how he switched to ice water after three or four glasses of wine. The other men kept on drinking.

Question: After the dinner party, you must have agreed to meet.

Anja: We didn't swap phone numbers or email addresses, but at work an email popped into my inbox. It was from Tom, thanking me for a great evening. He complimented me on the food and conversation.

Question: It didn't strike you as odd that a married man went to the effort of finding your email address at college?

Anja: No, I thought it was very resourceful. I loved it. In fact, I emailed back suggesting we should have coffee.

Question: He accepted of course.

Anja: Yes. A day or so after emailing, we met at a coffee near my office. Tom gave me a signed copy of a book he had written. It was published by a reputable publisher; it was the real thing, jacket photo of him looking younger. He hadn't mentioned at the party he was a writer. He allowed me to speak and he listened.

Question: What was going through your mind as you drank coffee together?

Anja: I was thinking how good looking and intelligent he was. I wondered what it would be like to be in bed with him. He seemed very fit, rugged looking. It was exciting.

Question: Did he flirt with you, make any advances?

Anja: No. He talked a little about his work. I couldn't put my finger on what exactly he did. He seemed involved in lots of things, lots of travel, assignments. I assumed he was a freelance writer, something creative. His wife, I know, was the director of a successful family business that had been in existence for years and years. We talked about my work, my postponed plans to write books. He encouraged me to write, told me not to listen to my inner critic but just write. It was incredibly liberating.

Question: It sounds a good start to a friendship. No danger signs yet.

Anja: No, not at all. I felt flattered that someone would encourage me to do what I dreamed of doing. I felt that Tom understood that the suburban me was not the whole me. I still had unrealized ambitions.

Question: You continued to email?

Anja: Very much so. It became intense. We wrote a lot about books and authors. He knew an incredible amount about a limited range of authors. He was a complete blank in other areas, I could tell that, but he wasn't an academic so I assumed he didn't need the depth of knowledge I have. He had read a number of books I would not have expected a non-academic to have read. It was intriguing. He wasn't just a name dropper.

Question: The interest he took in your work appealed to you?

Anja: He took me back to my love of literature and writing. He made me realize I had gotten stuck teaching and had abandoned my own writing. He was keen I should pursue that. He offered to read my work, but of course there was no work to read.

Then he sent me a long email with detailed observations from our first evening, the dinner party. He commented on the interaction between me and my husband, our lack of warmth, how he found me the only interesting person there, how those kinds of parties bored him. You could read it as a very offensive email, but it was so accurate too. He has seen some things about me that are true, a frustration about my life that I had ignored.

Question: Did you answer him?

Anja: It took a while because I thought we were now getting into dangerous territory. He had mentioned my husband, criticized him even. I was loyal to my husband and yet I was drawn to Tom. I was wondering whether to ignore the email or reply. I threw caution to the wind and replied.

Question: This must have brought you even closer together.

Anja: I see it as our point of no return. It was the first step toward an affair.

Question: You began to have sex?

Anja: Yes, Tom suggested the idea. We'd meet at lunchtimes mostly. I was able to take a couple of hours off some days. Tom always seemed to have free time. We'd use my office for fondling and groping, not full sex. We had sex in my car, we'd get a room occasionally, we'd even have sex in the park. It was all very thrilling at first.

Question: Was there anything about Tom or his behavior that seemed odd or unusual to you?

Anja: At the time, no. But when I look back, there are plenty of signs he wasn't what he appeared to be. He presented himself as very confident and successful, but I never had a clear picture of what it was he did. He was 50. At that age, my friends and colleagues had houses, new cars, plenty of savings, good health insurance. The essentials were in place. But Tom drove around in a 12-year-old car. I don't know why, I thought it might be some kind of artistic statement.

Question: I'm guessing he had no money.

Anja: Right, he had no money at all. In fact, he had huge debts. To cut out a lot of the detail, his marriage was hanging on a thread. He and his wife were barely on speaking terms. I had wondered why they didn't share her money, why she didn't help get him a better car. I felt a bit sorry for him. He explained he did not want to ask his wife for money, he was too proud to do that.

Question: Did he ask you for money?

Anja: It was never posed as a question. It was hinted at. He mentioned figures, what he would do if he had $30,000, how he would get his business rebooted. It felt more like out-loud thinking than a request for money. I offered to lend him the $30,000. I'd inherited money from my mother. I had plenty of money saved.

Question: He accepted your offer?

Anja: At first he didn't, then he did. Later I found out his wife had given more than $100,000 to get his finances in order, and it hadn't solved any of his problems.

Question: Did you ever find out what he did for a living? How had he gotten into financial trouble?

Anja: I have a very strong feeling he didn't actually do anything at all. He lived off his wife who gave him some sort of allowance. He had very little, if any, independent income. As far as I know, he had done nothing since his book ws published, which was abut six years before he met me. I pressed him on what he'd done recently he mentioned various ideas and plans, articles he'd written but I saw no evidence of any of it.

Question: You lent him the money, what next?

Anja: I didn't really need the money back. I could afford to be without it, but I would have appreciated some attempt on his part to pay some of it back. Once he had the money, that was the last I heard of it. I raised the subject and he always had excuses.

Question: Did your relationship turn sour?

Anja: It did the more I found out about him. I felt conned and manipulated. At first, I thought I was getting to know a productive -- he didn't need to be successful -- writer, someone who took his life and craft seriously. When I found out he basically did nothing, I was disillusioned. I felt stupid. I had risked my marriage for him. I had shared secrets with him I hadn't even told my husband.

Question: You are obviously a very intelligent woman. How were you able to be conned by Tom?

Anja: I am trusting. I tend to believe what people say about themselves. I hadn't considered there are people out there who can target a person and then use them for their own ends. I think Tom targeted me at that dinner party. I am sure he read something in my manner or behavior that told him I was frustrated with life, possibly open to an affair. He was skilled at reading people.

Question: As you look back, is there anything else that surprised or shocked you about him?

Anja: He had no friends, which I thought was odd. And he seemed so detached from normal life, like he was an observer not a participant. Events that would make people emotional had no affect on him at all. He would talk about his father's terminal cancer as though he had no connection to the man. He had some very strange political beliefs, too, extreme left-wing stuff that was way off the map. Later, I found out he had two kids in Europe. He didn't mention them at all.

Question: When did you split with him?

Anja: He lost interest in me after I lent him the money, and I was getting fed up with him anyway. But the final straw was when one of my women graduate students came to my office crying. She'd lent this guy $15,000, which he'd told her he needed for just one week, then he'd return it. Of course, he didn't return it and the poor woman couldn't pay her school fees. It was Tom. He was having sex with one of my grad students and stealing her money!

Question: What did you do?

Anja: I wanted to go to the police, but the young woman didn't want that. She still half-trusted Tom. I told her she wouldn't hear from him again. I gave her the money, I felt it was my responsibility. That's the last I heard of him.

Question: If he contacted you again, what would you tell him?

Anja: I would tell him to leave me alone. In many ways, he is a very intelligent man, gifted even. I am surprised he has not been able to find some way to put his talents to good use. I don't know that therapy or psychiatric treatment would help him. I have a feeling he'd be able to con the medical professionals.

Question: What would say to readers to help them avoid falling for a sociopath's cons?

Anja: If you are an open, trusting person, there is little you can do to protect yourself from them. You could have a policy never to lend money to anyone, Or you could decide never to lend money to anyone other than family and people you trust completely. If a person loses interest in you because you won't lend them money, they are not worth having. Even if you love someone, don't let them live off your earnings, not even for a short while.

Pay attention to the visible details of a person's life. Does their lifestyle fit with their life story. Tom came across as successful, but he had very little money and drove a battered car. Be wary of any married man or woman who'll jump into bed with you without knowing you. Beware of people who are recklessly spontaneous and unable to plan ahead.

Don't trust anyone until you know enough about them to make sure their life story checks out. There are a lot of highly skilled conmen and sociopaths out there. They don't care about hurting you. They feel no remorse. It's all a game to them, and they will never, ever blame themselves. They'll consider you the fool for helping them. Avoid anyone who tries to cut you off from your friends and family.

I'd say be suspicious of any person who lavishes praise and attention on you without knowing you. It's easy to start believing their bs because we want to believe we are more beautiful and talented than we really are. I think a dose of cynicism about life in general is a good suit of armor to protect yourself.

By Giles Devos

Cheat sheet: How to catch a cheating spouse

You have reason to be suspicious your spouse is cheating on you if she or he:

• keeps their cell phone on them at all times, even at home, never allowing other family members to answer calls or use the phone
• turns off his/her cell phone at home, or puts it on vibrate at home or when you are together
• ignores calls at home
• hides or destroys cell phone bills
• uses a pay-as-you-go phone when a phone plan would make more economic sense (you aren't sent records with a pay-as-you-go phone like Trac Fone)
• does not answer your calls, or turns off his/her cell phone, when away on "business" or other trips.
• suddenly starts to work out and lose weight
• starts taking a keener interest in his/her appearance, putting lots of effort into looking good even if he/she is only going to the grocery store, gym, local bar, etc
• starts a fitness program or other hobby that takes up a lot of time away from home and you have no idea where your spouse is
• if simple activities like grocery shopping take a couple of hours longer than they need to
• if he or she takes up an out-of-character activity, for example if your football-loving spouse develops an interest in art and visiting galleries (it's done to impress a lover)
• if your car is suddenly spotless (cleaning a car is done to get rid of evidence and to impress a lover)
• if she or he comes back from the grocery store or other errand smelling freshly showered
• if he/she hides or destroys credit card statements
• if he/she can't or won't tell you where they were staying or what they were doing on nights away from home on "business" or other trips
• if he/she is irritated or angry when you ask about long absences
• if he he/she suddenly starts to work late but can't be reached at the office
• if he/she tells you he/she regularly stops off at a bar or diner after work but won't tell you which one
• if they become very angry when asked basic questions and then storm off for hours
• if they shower as soon as they come in, avoiding physical contact with you (they're afraid the scent of a lover might be on them. Washing also gets rid of guilty feelings)
• if they throw clothes into the washing machine as soon as they come home
• if he or she has to go on a business trip at very short notice but won't tell you much about it, or if they claim not to know where they are staying, the room number, hotel phone number, etc.
• if your spouse is distant and neglectful, seeming not to need sex anymore
• if your spouse is unusually nervous when you ask about their day, what they did
• if your spouse refuses to let you join in activities he/she insists on doing alone (or if your spouse is allows you to come along but is very annoyed: it means he or she had to cancel an appointment with a lover)
• if you catch a sexually transmitted disease (STD) from your spouse (quite common)
• if your spouse won't make love to you, won't explain why, and is defensive about his private parts (he might have an STD, infection, or have bodily evidence of energetic sexual activity, i.e. rawness and soreness in sensitive areas)
• if you talk to a friend or colleague and they know more about you and your family than they should. The person might be the lover, or might know about the affair (cheats will often tell a close friend what they are up to)

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• if there are awkward moments at dinner parties and social gatherings with your spouse and someone else, e.g. if a person exaggeratedly pretends not to know your spouse or seem nervous in his/her presence
• spends hours on line especially after you have gone to bed or before you wake up, or if your spouse regularly gets up in the night to use the computer
• quickly turns off a computer or switches browser when you come into the room, or if your spouse is nervous if you stand too close to them when they are on the computer
• if you find soiled Kleenex under the computer table
• if he or she is unexpectedly short of money (lovers are often bought expensive gifts. Your spouse might be paying to stay in expensive hotel rooms, be buying expensive meals to impress a lover, or even be paying the rent on a love nest
• wants to buy an out-of-character car. Some men buy sports cars to impress a young mistress, even if a different kind of car would make more sense for a family guy.

By Giles Devos

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