Running for attention: treating ADHD with aerobic exercise
David, 50, is a lifelong sufferer from attention deficit, or lack of focus. It is only recently, in his 50th year, that he has decided to do something about it. For too long, he has lived on his wits, bluffing his way through life, inventing ever more creative excuses why he achieves so little despite being highly qualified and intelligent. His life is full of plans that have gone nowhere. I am great at dreams and lousy at follow through,
he says.
Michael Phelps, champion swimmer and ADHD sufferer
David, tell us how you know you have attention deficit disorder.
I do not think I have the full blown disorder. I have shadows of it. I am capable of functioning extremely well, but aspects of my life are a complete mess. I have never been diagnosed as having attention deficit, but I know for sure that I have it. I am reluctant to see a specialist, go through the tests, then be presented with the verdict: You have ADHD.
OK, what are the features of you attention deficit disorder?
I am a creative person. I've had a fair amount of success in the creative professions but I haven't gotten as far as I should have with my talent. I say I have talent because that's what editors and publishers tell me. My head is constantly full of ideas, many of them really good. Trouble is, hardly any of my ideas get off the drawing board.
I used to kid myself and others into believing that my ideas went nowhere because I lacked money and contacts, but the real problem is that I was, until recently, hopeless at following through. Something happened in my head after that initial buzz of excitement, the idea went nowhere. Then I'd start to chase other ideas, get fired up about something completely new.
Tell us about some of your plans that have gone nowhere?
I can give you some examples from various stages of my life. I wanted to study architecture at university and I thought it would look good on my resume if I had some articles published in professional magazines. It was an ambitious idea for an inexperienced teenager but I contacted a few prominent architects who agreed to be interviewed, and I persuaded two editors to look at my articles. But what happened? Nothing. I got bogged down in details.
I did one interview, pages and pages of notes that I couldn't get into order. I tried half-heartedly to write something but I abandoned the project when I could tell it was going nowhere. I never dared contact those architects or the editors. Fortunately I did end up studying architecture.
Any other examples?
I am so embarrassed to admit it but there are dozens. I have never filed my taxes on time. Some years I have been a year late. I have had my phone cut off a number of times even though I have plenty of money and would have no problem paying the bills. I miss lots of deadlines at work. I've been able to bluff my way through those problems with inventive excuses, but colleagues do lose patience with me.
I also have a tendency to get obsessed by things, which means I ignore other important tasks. My obsessions can last a few weeks or a few months, then they disappear as quickly as they arrive. Some past obsessions have been poetry, cross country skiing, basketball, stamp collecting, certain authors; I had a Henry David Thoreau period, a George V. Higgins period, a T. S. Eliot period.
Something else that can happen is I drift, I can go long periods when my life completely lacks focus. I am not able to concentrate fully on anything. I'll do my job well enough, I'll take care of my house, meet most of my obligations, but other than that I won't be enthused about anything. Things that might have interested me a week before will be of no interest whatsoever. I won't want to go out much, won't want to meet people. I don't feel down or sad, I don't think of it as a depression, I'm just waiting for something or someone to fire me up.
Has attention deficit caused any other problems in your life?
Usain Bolt, world record-breaking sprinter and ADHD sufferer
It has caused big problems in my relationships with women. It is far too easy for me to follow impulses that give immediate pleasure. I have been unfaithful simply because I could not say no to the temptation. People like me can be attractive to some women because we are so spontaneous and carefree. That can be fun until the woman finds out we are unreliable and that our brilliant ideas are no more than ideas.
Why do you link this with attention deficit?
I enjoy putting huge effort into the falling-in-love stage of a relationship. It's an obsession. I don't care how much time I devote to it, I take it very seriously. Being a writer, I express my enthusiasm and love with the written word. This often seduces women who are made to feel very special, the sole focus of attention. They will receive email after email saying how much they mean to me. And it's true, I'm not lying, but I don't mean that I necessarily want anything long term or even serious, I just need that fix of being liked, of being appreciated, being of interest to someone. That intense devotion I offer can be pleasant for a while, but it is not a reliable indicator of long term success or happiness.
The woman who has been seduced by my words will, when she is with me, wonder why so little happens. Marriage, like other worthwhile projects, is long term and hard work, and that's where I come unstuck. I lose my focus, I can't concentrate on it because I thrive on constant stimulus, frequent affirmation, daily encouragement. When marriage is difficult, when I'm in conflict with my wife about something, I am at my absolute worst. I'm not getting the affection, the positive feedback I require to keep going, and I am not able to give any back. I get stuck in very predictable loops of behavior: withdrawal of affection; silence; sadness.
Do you deliberately set out to hurt and manipulate people?
Michael Phelps, world record breaker and top Olympian
No, I get no pleasure from other people's sadness or misery. I can hate myself for causing sadness and anger because of my inability to focus and plan. I don't want to be manipulative. But I too often want only the pleasure I get from firing on all cylinders. I know there are people who get great pleasure from treating other people like puppets, from seeing them unhappy, but I am not one of those.
I am a prisoner of the present, that is my problem. I am too attached to what is happening today, the immediate pleasure of sex, the buzz I get from being fired up by an idea, the adrenaline rush of difficult alpine skiing, the pleasure of making money quickly.
Does your wife know this about you?
She has seen so many clues that I am sure she suspects there is something wrong with me. I would very much like to sit down and talk to her about this in detail, let her know how sorry I am for the ideas that have gone nowhere, the small and big betrayals, my unreliability.
Is your wife similar to you? Is your behavior alike?
We probably both have shadows of attention deficit, she less than I. It's fair to say we both have trouble meeting deadlines, both have difficulty with order and time-keeping. We're the sort of people who only get stimulated to meet a deadline when the stress of not meeting it, when it is breathing down our necks, triggers ours brains to get started.
Do you not consider these problems, of which you are clearly aware, serious enough for you to get help?
In the past I've told myself if a plan or scheme didn't pan out then it wasn't meant to be. Or, ok, my idea was great but I was the wrong guy to put it into practice. I didn't get too down about it.
But when you're middle-aged as I am, you can look back on a lot of years and if you're honest you can see patterns of behavior, you stop believing your own bs. I earn less than I should. I've achieved less than I should have done, and I've let a lot of people down because I've been unreliable.
One failed project I'm really ashamed of affected my children. I have two daughters who are accomplished artists, they're good at painting and drawing. I had a couple of contacts in the publishing world and pitched them this idea of my girls illustrating a story book I'd write. One editor really loved the idea, he loved the drawings and paintings, but I couldn't get anywhere with the story, I couldn't make it happen. I sat down, I tried but my mind was a blank. I don't know why it happened. When I dreamed up the idea it seemed so brilliant, but when it came to doing the work, I couldn't concentrate.
To get back to your question, I have survived, that's what I'm trying to say. I have come to terms with who I am. I don't have so many big ideas anymore.
Usain Bolt, who has shattered the world records at 100 and 200 meters
What did you tell your girls about the failed book project?
I am really ashamed. They were 13 and 15 at the time. I told them there was a new editor at the publishers and he didn't want the book. They were so upset, and I pretended to be even more upset. I told them I'd publish the book for them, but of course that didn't happen.
Now that you are aware of your problem, how are you treating it?
I found out, at first by accident and then by reading, that exercise, hard exercise, can dramatically improve powers of concentration in those who suffer from attention deficit or lack of focus.
There's an entire brain chemistry explanation. Dr. John Ratey of Harvard Medical School goes into detail about this in his book 'Spark: How exercise will improve the performance of your brain' (ISBN 978-1-84724-720-9). It's a great read for all runners with attention deficit.
I have been running for three years. When I run, which I do everyday, 8 to 10 miles a day, I am much more able to concentrate during the day.
The effect doesn't last all day, so I make sure that I perform tasks I'd otherwise ignore in the few hours after I've run. I know that some people combine medication, stuff like Ritalin, Adderall or Wellbutrin, with exercise with remarkable results, but because I'm not diagnosed, I'm obviously not on any medication.
It's the exercise itself, not just the strict structure of a daily training program that improves your ability to concentrate?
I think it's both. My daily run causes changes that enable me to concentrate. Immediately after a run I feel tremendously relaxed, there's no stress, and I am much less prone to be distracted.
Also, the structure of a training program -- I know how far I am running, I know the paces and times I'm so supposed to run -- those things channel my attention, they don't permit my mind to wander. Someone like me benefits from strict structure.
Too much flexibility allows me to goof off and get nothing done. Before I got a handle on this, on days I worked from home, I'd spend the entire day shuffling paper, tidying my home office but not doing it properly, surfing the internet, reading a few chapters of a book, watching half a movie, then half of another movie, come the end of the day I'd done nothing, certainly none of the jobs I was supposed to do.
Are you seeing a big difference in the goals you achieve these days?
There's no doubt about it. I am much more productive now, and I complete so many more of the small tasks that never used to get done. It might be essential paperwork, paying bills, following up phone calls, meeting deadlines. All of that has improved.
I monitor myself much more closely than I used to. I don't allow myself to good off, I don't buy my own excuses anymore. If I feel the urge to begin a personal project, I ask myself, How serious is this? Is it important? Are you likely to follow through?
If I answer No, it's not serious
, then I don't mind so much if nothing comes of it.
If it is serious, then I make a promise to myself to see it through from start to finish, and I do try my very best to make things happen.
There are projects that you have completed that you would not have done before?
Yes, I had an idea to blog about attention deficit. I thought there might be an interest among people such as myself who want to achieve more in life but who get little or nothing done.
Blogging, as it turns out, is ideal for me because there are so few obstacles, very little expense, and the responses, most of them positive, are immediate. For a while, I went through an obsessive phase where I wrote long blogs everyday, but then I noticed I was repeating myself, so I settled into a better pattern of writing one good article a week. I stick to that without fail.
What I've found is that there are so many people like me, people with Phds, professors, professional people, businessmen, a lot of high flyers who have attention problems.
Some of them are in careers where their lack of deep focus can be an asset and they do really well at their jobs, but aspects of their personal lives can be in disarray. Not filing taxes on time is a common problem among people with attention deficit, as is lateness for appointments, untidy desks and offices, forgetfulness, time-wasting, strife-filled relationships.
There are so many gifted people who would achieve much more if they found a way to treat their attention deficit disorder.
Are you going to seek professional health in order to make more improvements in your life?
The sensible answer would be, Yes, I am going to see a specialist so that I can get this treated
. But, right or wrong, I have an aversion to medication.
I don't want to be labeled as having a mental condition, I don't want to be a patient or a case study. I want to treat myself. I am sure I can keep improving.
I can show my wife I can be good and reliable. I can't run many more miles than I do, the answer isn't more miles, but the improvements that have come from running 60 miles a week can be built upon because I now have a better awareness of my problem, I am more self-critical, better at policing my behavior, better at stopping self-destructive behavior, better at knowing when I am about to fool myself or trick others.
I catch myself wasting time and say, Get back on task now. You're not tidying your desk, you're avoiding those tax forms
.
I have to get better at structure and I have to find and complete tasks and challenges that help improve my concentration. I'll give you an example: I used to think of mowing the lawn as this horribly tedious task that stole valuable time.
I was the last guy on the street to mow his lawn and I annoyed everybody by doing it too late in the evening. I got a handle on that by timetabling lawn mowing. I do it without fail at the same time every Sunday. Now that I know I have to do it, I sit on that tractor, focus on doing as good a job as I can. I time myself.
Sometimes I'm two minutes faster or slower than the previous week, sometimes I find a slightly better way to take a bend in the lawn, other times I might do the front before the back, just to see if it makes any difference. You see, what I am doing is focusing on a mundane task.
This might sound crazy to someone without attention problems, they just get on with cutting the grass and don't make a big deal of it, but for those of us who procrastinate and put off boring tasks, it's a big achievement to say you do a good job of cutting your lawn at the same time each week.
Are you going to tackle any of the big projects you talk about that have gone nowhere, your daughters' book for example?
I'm a little anxious about that. I don't know if I am ready yet. Failure is not good for me. I get disheartened. If I failed at a project it would set me back a long way.
For now, I need to know I can see something through from start to finish. But sure, I would love to do that book for my girls. They're much older now, but I still have their drawings and I think it would mean something to them even if I did a limited edition book, a book for the family. That would at least show I was serious when I talked about a book with them. I might be ready to do that soon.
Thing is, if you're like me you have to keep your feet on the ground. Your plans have to be realistic. I am not the sort of guy who should have dreams that involve hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have to face the fact that I am not going to go out there and raise or chase that money. If I dreamt up a huge project, it wouldn't happen and I'd be defeated. No, it has to be personal and manageable.
Do you have any big running goals?
Yes, I want to run a marathon in 3 hours 10 minutes at age 51. I think that's ambitious but I am fast and fit enough. I'd like to see if I can go under 19 minutes in a 5k too.
I remember when I went under 20 minutes the first time, what a wonderful feeling that was. I ran for two years before I got under 20 minutes. 20 minutes for 5k is a milestone for many amateur runners.
I have to make sure I stay healthy, too. Any long periods of injury affect my attention problems. I've been injured for three weeks at a time and it's amazing how quickly my mind can wander when I'm not getting that daily dose of exercise.
If I'm injured I know I have to keep training somehow, cycling, swimming, canoeing, judo -- martial arts are great for people with attention problems. I need that daily dose of exercise.
How is it with your obsessions these days?
Oh, I don't have so many of those. That was something I did when I was in my 20s and 30s, a little bit in my early 40s, only occasionally now.
I don't get so fired up about stuff anymore. Perhaps age is playing a part. I'm either more mature or more cynical. I can't imagine myself getting fired up about poetry anymore.
I can't see myself liking one writer so much that I'd go out of my way to track down first editions of his books as I once used to do. That stuff seems mildly silly now.
A little obsession is necessary if you're going to be a good runner. How else can you explain putting your running shoes on and going out when its 30 degrees and snowing?
Why should someone close to you, your wife for example, trust you when you say you have commitment and faithfulness problems?
I hope they can. I am ashamed of the hurt I have caused, and I regret the stupid mess I have gotten myself into. My intention was not to hurt, although hurt was the result. I hope that my continued self-treatment I can improve.
I am willing, if needed, to try counseling, medication too if that is needed. I am willing to put in the hard work, the concentration and commitment that is needed to make marriage work well.
I want it to work, I love my life, I like family life, I love my kids. I want to stop being short-sighted and self-destructive. I want to build rather than demolish. I have the potential to be a good husband and father. I am aware now of who I am and what I have done.
Has your wife noticed an improvement in your behavior?
Small improvements perhaps. She has noticed a difference in bed. When you run a lot, you're fit, you have a good heart and lungs, you have, well, a good erection, which she appreciates. And I don't get out of breath in bed.
That's great. Has she noticed improvements outside the bed?
The lawn is neatly trimmed all summer long. My paperwork is in better order. I don't forget to buy stuff from the grocery store when my wife asks me to get something. Before, she might ask me to go buy bread and coffee and I'd be there not able to remember what it was I was supposed to buy.
I'm better in lots of ways. I'm sure she's noticed, but she's not someone who feels the need to pat me on the back. I am much less inclined to be interested in other women. I know I have to focus on my wife, my family, my marriage. Chasing that buzz of seduction is a dead end.
We wish you all the best for the future.
Thank you. I intend to keep focusing and improving.
By Rupert de Borchgrafve