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Can
separation save a marriage, or does it make matters worse?
[Professional
tips to catch a cheating spouse]
There are plenty of married
couples who like and love each other, who have deep-rooted
feelings for each other, but they've reached a point in
their marriages where they are unable to continue living
together without fighting and neglect.
These are couples who keep trying
and failing to save their marriages. They arrange romantic
weekends to rebuild emotional bridges. At some point early on Friday
evening or Saturday morning they have their first fight, and
the romantic weekend turns into yet another nightmare. Voices
are raised, tears are shed, one accuses the other of
sabotaging good intentions. The couple will check out of
their hotel and return home early with shredded nerves.
Or a husband might buy his wife
a bunch of roses, she'll place them lovingly in a vase where
they'll occupy center stage for an hour or so before an
argument sees the roses ripped from the vase and tossed in the
trash.
Or a couple might agree to
find sitters for the kids while they go out for a meal and
movie. Before the starters have been served, one or other
partner says or does something that hurts the other and the
meal will be finished in silence. The movie will be
forgotten and the kids will be picked up early, both parents
staring into space unable to speak with each other.
I have seen this behavior
time and time again. Both partners want the marriage to
work, both express love for their spouse, both are even
willing to admit that they are to blame for a share of the
marriage's problems, but it still doesn't work. The marriage
is stuck in a loop of destructive behavior by both spouses.
Often, for religious or moral
reasons, partners feel committed to the institution of
marriage and they cannot stand the thought of
friends, family and colleagues seeing their marriage fail.
Defending the institution becomes more important than the
happiness of either or both spouses. It's amazing the amount
of hurt and misery that married people are willing to endure
simply to present a united, married face to the world.
In other cases, couples
accept any amount of torment and unhappiness in order to
raise their children in a traditional family. A warring
family in which mom and dad can't stand each other is seen
by many as a better option than divorce. In such marriages,
spouses tend to underestimate the damage that is being done
to children, who know things are not right and who feel a
responsibility to do what they can to keep their parents
together. But this is too much responsibility for a child.
There are also cases,
especially among older married couples, where divorce would
upset too many routines, cause too much financial chaos, and
create too
much emotional turmoil. These folks ask: "What's it
going to be like moving out of the big
house where I raised the kids into a one-bedroom condo
where I know no one?" It's a tough question to answer
when you're in your 60s.
For all the above couples,
separation can seem to be a soft-landing answer. You appear to
be helping your partner by offering them the chance to see
whether they would be happier without you. It's also an
option for cautious people who want to tread softly
toward divorce. It is also an answer for those who refuse to
extinguish the faint flicker of hope that their marriage
might be saved. Such a spouse might think, "If h/she has to
live without me for a while, they'll soon see I'm not that
bad. S/he'll want me back soon enough."
A separation without ground
rules can get a couple into a lot of trouble. One of the
spouses might think they are now free to date and have sex
with other people, while the other spouse has no idea this
is part of the deal. This will cause incredible hurt.
It's easy to become
infatuated with others during a separation, imagining that the
pleasure of brief flings and one-night stands is what you
have been missing all these years. Unfortunately,
infatuations don't last and it is unfair to compare them to
your marriage. Someone can make you (briefly) happy in bed
but he or she might make a hopeless life partner.
Some spouses want regular
contact with their partners during a separation, while
others want to be left alone, checking in from time to time
to exchange only vital information.
Finally, a separation should
have a time limit. Three months is often suggested, though it could easily be longer. I know of couples
on six-month and one-year separations. Shorter than three
months does not really give you time enough to process your
emotions, nor to fully understand what final separation,
i.e. divorce, will be like.
It does happen that
warring couples find that they cannot stand to be apart. Within weeks they are back together, some with saved
marriages, others continuing the cycle of anger and
frustration that has become a hallmark of their
marriage.
by Marcia Thompson
[If
you are in a joyless, sexless, or loveless marriage or
relationship, we would like to hear from you. There are
millions like you; you are not alone! How do you cope?
Please help others by sharing your experiences so that we
can publish your thoughts, advice, or even cries for help.]
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