Top Totty: British crumpet and culture
Look no further than this page, if you want to understand British beauty -- the English rose -- the nation's customs, food, humor, class system, and sports. By Eric Astle
America is a vast country with plenty of room for its 300 million inhabitants. Great Britain, in contrast, is a tiny, overcrowded postage stamp of an island with horrible weather.
That goes a long way to explain the British national pastime of moaning. Brits whine and complain about anything and everything.
Unlike Americans, who are goal-oriented and can't stand whining unless it leads to action, Brits love moaning for the sake of it. Moaning is therapy. Moaning is problem solving.
If you hear a Brit whining, don't try to fix his problems, just listen to his litany of complaints, then add a few of your own. It'll make him very happy -- it'll give him something to moan about.
British sports
To understand the British, you have to understand their sports, the biggest of which is football. Yes, football, not soccer. Never use the term soccer in Britain. You'll be branded immediately as as idiot.
Football is dominated by the Premier (Prem rhymes with phlegm), often called the Greed League for its overpaid and petulant stars, very few of whom are British. Cristian Ronaldo, a Portuguese diva and diver, who played for Manchester United was for a long time the biggest star and biggest talent. David Beckham, now in the States, is a has-been. He is no longer on anyone's A-list.
Leona Lewis, singer, songwriter, winner of the third series of The X Factor
If you want to establish a bit of sporting cred, tell people you support one of the smaller teams in the lower (minor) leagues: Port Vale, Chester, Rochdale, Accrington Stanley, or Walsall.
Other British sports are cricket (a tedious bat and ball game played on grass), and rugby (comes in a pro and amateur version, each with its own rules).
National pride
It's difficult to imagine that this tiny, scruffy country once ruled most of the known world, including vast parts of America.
Since then, the colonies have gone their own way and Britain can barely rule its own back yard. But the Brits are still fiercely proud of their country -- well, they are when it's under threat.
The rest of the time, during periods of relative peace, Brits love to take the mick out of (mock) their politicians, the Royal Family, the police military leaders, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Tottylicious list
Kelly Brook: actress and model from Rochester, Kent
Gemma Atkinson: actress and lingerie model from Bury
Emma Rigby: actress from St Helens
Saffron Burrows: actress and former model from London
Helena Bonham Carter: Wacky crumpet in a corset from Golders Green, London. Partner of director Tim Burton
Beverley Knight: singer, songwriter, and producer from Wolverhampton
Naomi Campbell: Former supermodel from Streatham, London
Mishal Husain: news presenter for the BBC. Born in the U.K. but grew up in the United Arab Emirates
Cheryl Cole: singer and tv celeb from Newcastle upon Tyne
Susan Boyle: Good voice, Plain face. Britain's Got Talent's main star
Victoria Beckham: Ex-Spice Girl, wife of David Beckham, model, fashion designer, celeb
Katie Price: aka, Jordan. Celebrity obsessed 31 year old, famous for being famous
This is incomprehensible to Americans, who fly into a blind rage if you laugh at their national anthem or burn their flag. Americans are unceasingly patriotic and that patriotism extends to all the symbols and rituals associated with the country.
British patriotism is more diffuse and abstract. It's about standing up for values such as tolerance, openness, eccentricity, the right to go one's own, non-American, non-Eurocentric way.
If Brits had to choose between Continental Europe and America, they'd choose America every time, but they reserve the right to quietly criticize their bigger, richer, and more powerful cousin.
Brits like tennis once a year when it is played at Wimbledon. If you want to start a lively argument, ask Brits why the nation is unable to produce more than one worldclass tennis player.
Brits mockingly dismiss American sports. They hate the NFL, the NBA, the NHL, and baseball. Do not attempt them to persuade a Brit that these sports are worth watching.
British humor
Brits are convinced they have the best and most sophisticated sense of humor in the world. They are equally convinced that Americans, Germans, Scandinavians, Belgians, the Dutch, and Japanese totally lack anything resembling a sense of humor.
Americans are mocked because they do not understand irony. They're accused of living behind the irony curtain.
American comedians such as David Letterman, Jay Leno, and Conan O'Brien are considered about as funny as a bag of green beans. There is respect in Britain for dearly departed George Carlin.
The first thing to understand about British humor is sarcasm, which runs the gamut, from clinically clever one-liners, to heavy-handed digs about your sexual identity. If you're a man who takes pride in his appearance, you'll be accused of being a gayer, a bender, a backdoor boy, an iron, or a limp wrister.
Brits mock anything that moves, including themselves. If you're a sensitive American who can't tolerate fun being poked at your country, flag, national anthem, armed forces, or president, you face a tough time in Britain. Don't get upset; it'll cause more caustic remarks to be fired at you.
If a Brit calls your ex-president Bush a thick, gay-bashing Texan
, fight back by saying, It's better than being led by a Scottish muppet with no neck
(Gordon Brown). The Brit won't be offended, he'll laugh with you.
British cuisine
Most British food is as bad as American, though not quite as bland. Thankfully, the portions are smaller and there isn't quite the same devotion to drive-thru
or takeout meals.
The Brits to their credit have invented a number of wonderful condiments such as Colman's English mustard and HP sauce to spice up their otherwise tasteless food.
Victoria Pendleton, six times world champion, and Olympic champion in track sprint cycling.
Whereas American mustard is simply sweet yellow vinegar, English mustard is the real deal. It packs a kick and a punch: apply it sparingly to meat and cheese. Other condiments include mint sauce, Branston Pickle, piccallilly, and horseradish sauce.
You can find decent grub in pubs, especially the gastropubs. Or you can try a basic chip shop for the former national dish of fish and chips. The current national dish is curry, usually eaten late at night after you've consumed copious quantities of lager, fizzy bitter, or real ale.
Crappy British service
Brits are both suspicious and envious of excellent American service. They're envious because it is so good and seems genuine, and yet they're suspicious because it's tip-based.
Brits don't think someone can be genuinely pleasant to you if they are being tipped to do so. Brits would rather have honest grumpiness than a falsely warm welcome.
Amanda Holden, actress and judge on Britain's Got Talent
As an American, you're accustomed to even the lowliest diner offering to cook your eggs any way you want. Not so in Britain. Your choices are cooked and not cooked. Don't expect any more than that.
Be very careful about complaining because a Brit waiter, who gets a salary, sick pay and holiday leave, is likely to tell you to spit in your food if you complain.
British plumbing is stone age, so don't expect adequate water pressure even in expensive hotels. Unless you are paying a fortune for a room, it is likely to be draughty, tiny, creaky, and not quite clean enough. If you complain, you are likely to be told to Sod off
.
National Health Service
Brits love their creaking, overburdened National Health Service. They love it more than they do the Queen and bangers and mash. You can slag off (criticize) the prime minister, your host's favorite football (soccer) team, even his wife, but don't knock the National Health Service.
Even if you have to stand in line for two years for your bunions to be fixed or your hip to be replaced, Brits will wait patiently because they sincerely believe the system is fair and free.
Keira Knightley, Hollywood actress and Academy Award nominee for her role in Pride and Prejudice
If you attempt to tell them that health care in America is modern and immediate, they will bite back with the number of uninsured Americans, the huge insurance premiums paid by doctors, and the ridiculous number of expensive tests Americans are forced to go through before a doctor dare tells them they have a common cold.
Brits don't mind sharing a ward with wheezing, groaning geriatrics; they'll endure awful hospital food and ancient medical equipment because the National Health Service has become something that defines Britain as Britain.
The British cuppa
Americans have an incredibly sweet tooth. Not only do they drink millions of gallons of sweet, syrupy soda, they love marshmallows on sweet potato. American hot chocolate, also overloaded with marshmallows, is the sweetest, sickliest drink on the planet.
Brits, in common with most Europeans, prefer astringent drinks such as tea, beer, and wine. Europeans have an adult palette. Americans have the taste buds of the three-year-old kid: I want another big-ass soda, mommy!
Kristin Scott Thomas, actress and thinking man's crumpet. Fluent in English and French
Nowhere in the world is tea drunk with such regularity and in such enormous quantities as in Britain. While the standard of tea has dropped with the introduction of tea bags, it is still possible to find a decent cuppa at even the most basic caff (cafe).
Brits have resisted the American urge to ruin and complicate a simple concept. While Americans have turned simple coffee into soy milk lattes with ginger nut crisp and peppermint sprinkles, the British laugh at attempts to flavor black tea with fruit essence, herbs, and oils.
Black tea should be nothing but black tea with a splash of milk; add sugar if you want to. And make it in a pot, not a cup!
By Eric Astle, born and bred in London, forced by love to move to Chicago, Illinois.