I want to stop cheating and save my family, but I can't
Steve says his loves his wife and his mistress. He has been married for 10 years, six years of which he has cheated on her with the same woman. He has promised his mistress he will leave his wife, but he cannot bring himself to split up his family.
Steve, you have been married for 10 years. Are you happily married?
Yes, I would even say I am more happily married than most. I rarely argue with my wife, we get along fine, we have regular sex, our finances are in great shape, and I love my three kids. I am not unhappy at all with my marriage. I love my wife.
It might seem strange to many of our readers that you are happily married and yet you have been seeing a woman, a mistress, for more than half of your marriage. Why do you need this double life?
There are bullsh-t reasons that I could give to justify and explain my behavior and there are the real reasons.
We are interested in the real reasons.
The fact is, I love both women. There isn't one that I want more than the other. I want both. In order to have both, I have to lie to my wife and I have to keep promising my mistress I will one day leave my wife.
Do you think you will one day leave your wife?
No I don't. It would be too painful for everyone concerned. My wife will think she has been living a lie, that I am liar, that I betrayed her. It would be horrible. It's not just a one-night stand, this has been going on for six years. My kids will hate me, I'd hate myself for all the pain it would cause. It would me a mess, a disaster. My wife has done nothing to deserve being hurt or betrayed.
So it is more likely that you would leave your mistress?
Yes it is, but it would not be an easy decision. It would be painful. I love my mistress, my lover. When I am with her, it feels like she's my wife. It's a totally separate life. I try to keep the two lives apart in my mind. They hardly ever cross, except when my mistress wants me to stay when I can't or when my wife asks where I'm going and I feel guilty about lying.
What stops you leaving your mistress?
My lover gives me something I don't get from my marriage. It's mostly sex but it's more than sex. It's exciting, carefree; it's not full of all those major and minor complications and hassles that can weigh down a marriage. With my lover, sex is one of the most important things we do. Our meetings always start with sex, it's how we bond. In marriage, sex is relegated to like ninth or tenth place in the list of things to do. There are so many other things you have to deal with before you get to relax and have great sex with your wife.
Your main reason for not leaving your mistress is fear of losing a sexual partner?
Sex is the biggest reason but it's not the only reason. I feel so relaxed with her. It's like I'm a completely different person. I feel, I don't know, more alive with her. I get more pleasure out of doing simple things like going out for coffee or lunch. I love how she dresses, love the attention she gives me. It's like I am the most important person in the world to her. With my wife, I often don't feel that important to her. She takes me for granted -- and I guess I take her for granted.
In your ideal world, would you keep both relationships?
Yes I would.
How would you feel about your wife having a lover, or your mistress sleeping with another man?
I would hate it. It would destroy me.
Do you think about how your cheating would affect your wife if she found out.
Yes, all the time.
You are convinced that your wife would leave you if you told her?
Totally convinced. If it was a casual thing, one night in a hotel, she might forgive it, but not six years, not knowing I was sleeping with another woman when my wife was pregnant. That would be too much for her. She'd leave me, no doubt it.
How do you cope with juggling two lives, all the emotions involved? How do you explain your behavior to yourself?
There's a constant tug of war going on, promises being made and broken. When I am with my wife and kids, I'll tell myself This is perfect. This is all I need
. A day or so will pass and I'll start to miss my lover. I'll want to call her, I'll try to stop myself, but I won't be able to. We meet, I'll be so happy and excited to see her, we'll have fantastic sex, but immediately afterward I'll have such strong feelings of regret and remorse, I'll put my clothes on quickly and leave. I'll tell myself it's the last time, I won't do it again. My lover will want to know why I'm rushing away and I make up some excuse. It's a constant juggling of emotions, a rollercoaster of highs and lows, feeling great and feeling awful.
Has your mistress asked you to leave your wife?
This past year she has told me I have to choose. It's her or my wife. She has said she can't put her life on hold waiting for me. She's told me there are other men who have asked for her phone number, who want to date her. She won't wait for me indefinitely. We have even broken up a couple of times. She's tried to stop having sex with me, but the attraction between us is very strong. Our times together are often so perfect, I start imagining leaving my wife, but then I go home, I see my wife and everything changes.
How do you think this will be resolved?
The right thing to do would be to leave my mistress, stay married, and focus on being a good husband and father. I could never tell my wife about my affair, I think that would be counter-productive -- she might leave me and take my children with her.
Do you wonder what it would be like to marry your mistress, how it would change that relationship.
Yes, I think it's good because we aren't married, but I can't tell my lover that. She wants us to marry and build a family. That's what I don't want to do all over again. Our relationship would change completely if we got married. It probably wouldn't be as exciting, sex wouldn't be as important. When you are dating and trying to seduce a woman, you put in a lot of effort and energy that you don't when you are permanently together.
Are you saying that marriage encourages complacency?
I think marriage makes us a little lazy. We don't spend enough time encouraging and romancing each other. Daily life takes over. Suddenly it's all about problem-solving, paying bills, which car to buy, which school is good for the kids, dozens and dozens of problems to solve, issues to tackle. The romance slips away under the weight of all that. No one wants it to go away, but it happens.
What do you think is the right thing for you to do?
It's obvious, to commit to my marriage.
But it doesn't sound as though you will make that decision soon.
It's complicated. I don't want to hurt anybody. Nor do I want to make myself miserable. I know it's not allowed, but I really think it's possible to love two women.
That would work if everyone knew what was going on and agreed to it. But your wife ....
Yes, I know, I am lying to my wife. I am deceiving her. That has to end.
That does seem to be the only solution that respects everybody.
You are right. I hope I can do it. I could never break up my family.
Next up, I am off to Holland to photograph a spread in Amsterdam. Models, shoes, canals, you get the picture.
Clogs?
No clogs.
Finally, what's your main wish in life right now?
To go skiing with my son in Wyoming. That's a big priority for this spring. And to stay busy and healthy so I can keep paying the bills.
By Giles Devos