CHEAT CHECKLIST
Do you suspect your spouse or partner is cheating on you? Here's our checklist for catching a cheat red-handed.
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Find a Counselor
Couples counseling: If you are over your head in emotional chaos and unable to move forward, or if you feel you can no longer connect with your partner or spouse, couples counseling provides a safe environment where you can learn to trust and love each other again.
Therapy helps
Therapists are trained to listen and identify the many obstacles that result in patterns of destructive behavior, breakdown in communication, lies and betrayal.
Therapy can transform the person you have been into the person you want to be.
Ten cheats, ten reasons for cheating
We talk to 10 married people about why they have cheated on their wife or husband. There is no one reason why people cheat. Most people feel guilty about cheating, they know it is not right but they cannot stop themselves. A small number of cheats feel no remorse until they are caught and confronted with their unfaithfulness.
Bill, 52, Chicago: I cheated because I had the opportunity to do so. I love my wife, I have never wanted to leave her, but that did not stop me cheating.
I met a very attractive woman at a conference and we had sex the evening we meet. Our relationship lasted nearly a year. For me, it was all about sex, nothing more.
I had to lie a lot to keep the relationship going. I told my lover what she wanted to hear, that I had problems with my wife and was going to leave her. I had no plans to leave my wife but I said I would so that my lover would keep having sex with me. I regret the many lies I had to tell my wife. I don't regret the affair because it was really fantastic while it lasted. My lover left me because she knew I would never leave my wife.
Question: Should a spouse be confronted if there is sufficient evidence to indicate cheating?
Cheats are trapped by the sexual high of love affairs
All those unaccounted hours are given to a lover
The clues of love affairs are all around you
A cheating spouse can be caught very easily
Kathy, 44, Salt Lake City: I cheated on my husband when he got really fat. Sex with him was just not enjoyable anymore. He was so huge compared to me, I'm 110 pounds and he's over 200 pounds. That weight difference made me avoid having sex with him as much as possible.
I met a really cute guy at the gym who turned me on. It wasn't a difficult decision to have sex with him because my body was crying out for it. I didn't feel bad about it. In a way, I felt my husband deserved it for letting himself get so out of shape.
Ben, 37, London: I cheated on my wife when I finally accepted that I am gay. Up until then I had lived a lie. I tried to be happy, I really tried to please my wife but it didn't work. Women do not turn me on. My regrets are that I hurt my wife and that it took me so long to accept my own sexuality.
Jennifer, 55, Chicago: I was unfaithful one time when I found out my husband had cheated on me. I slept with a friend's husband. We had always been close friends with good energy between us. It wasn't difficult to take the extra steps and sleep together. I can't say I enjoyed it. The sex was short and unsatisfying. Both of us felt guilty afterwards. It didn't help me and I didn't tell my husband.
Anders, 38, Ottawa: I have cheated on my wife for the past two years with a woman I dated before I met my wife. I love my wife but my girlfriend and I have an agreement that works for both us. She doesn't want me to leave my wife. She places no demands on me. It isn't heavy at all. I love knowing a woman who is so open about sex and her own needs. It makes sex much more enjoyable when it is not complicated.
Olivia, 59, Kansas City: I made the decision to make love to another man when my husband lost confidence as a result of erection issues. He couldn't get a hard on, he felt ashamed, then he neglected me, even though I only needed to be held, and kissed. I wouldn't have minded if he had used his imagination, his tongue and fingers. But he felt his sexual life was over when he couldn't keep a good erection. He stopped looking at me, didn't touch me. I met a man my own age, a dear friend. I explained my problem to him and he was happy to help to me.
Meredith, 32, Austin: I cheat because I get a kick out of it. I'd feel guilty if my boyfriend found out, but I don't think he will.
I'm a singer, I meet guys in clubs and bars. It's so easy, so many guys want sex with a performer. I can pretty much pick and choose. I can't say no to the temptation.
When you've performed you are on such a high that sex is a great outlet, it releases all the tension.
How to end an affair
The best book about love affairs: Best-selling and widely used by marriage counselors, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
Phil, 47, Macon: I'm into bondage, my wife isn't. She hates it. I've met a few people online who are into the same stuff as I am, nothing extreme: leather, chains, whips, restraints, that kind of thing. The game turns me on.
There is no way my wife would let me use restraints on her. I have tried to explain why I like this scene but it turns my wife off. She worries about it, she worries about me. I have sex with like-minded people. My wife doesn't know and I am not about to tell her.
Alison, 56, Pittsburgh: I was very happily married, no problems at all, life was good. I had nothing to complain about. Then I met a man I fell in love with almost immediately and my entire world was turned upside down.
Things that used to be important to me were no longer important. I saw the world through totally different eyes. I saw how I had sacrificed so much in order for my husband to pursue his career. That made me mad. I stayed married for a while, lived a double life, then I couldn't take it anymore and left my husband and married my lover.
Cheat sheet
You have reason to be suspicious your spouse is cheating on you if she or he:
- keeps their cell phone on them at all times, even at home, never allowing other family members to answer calls or use the phone
- turns off his/her cell phone at home, or puts it on vibrate at home or when you are together
- ignores calls at home
- hides or destroys cell phone bills
- uses a pay-as-you-go phone when a phone plan would make more economic sense (you aren't sent records with a pay-as-you-go phone like Trac Fone)
- does not answer your calls, or turns off his/her cell phone, when away on "business" or other trips.
- suddenly starts to work out and lose weight
- starts taking a keener interest in his/her appearance, putting lots of effort into looking good even if he/she is only going to the grocery store, gym, local bar, etc
- starts a fitness program or other hobby that takes up a lot of time away from home and you have no idea where your spouse is
- if simple activities like grocery shopping take a couple of hours longer than they need to
- if he or she takes up an out-of-character activity, for example if your football-loving spouse develops an interest in art and visiting galleries (it's done to impress a lover)
- if your car is suddenly spotless (cleaning a car is done to get rid of evidence and to impress a lover)
- if she or he comes back from the grocery store or other errand smelling freshly showered
- if he/she hides or destroys credit card statements
- if he/she can't or won't tell you where they were staying or what they were doing on nights away from home on "business" or other trips
- if he/she is irritated or angry when you ask about long absences
- if he he/she suddenly starts to work late but can't be reached at the office
- if he/she tells you he/she regularly stops off at a bar or diner after work but won't tell you which one
- if they become very angry when asked basic questions and then storm off for hours
- if they shower as soon as they come in, avoiding physical contact with you (they're afraid the scent of a lover might be on them. Washing also gets rid of guilty feelings)
- if they throw clothes into the washing machine as soon as they come home
- if he or she has to go on a business trip at very short notice but won't tell you much about it, or if they claim not to know where they are staying, the room number, hotel phone number, etc.
- if your spouse is distant and neglectful, seeming not to need sex anymore
- if your spouse is unusually nervous when you ask about their day, what they did
- if your spouse refuses to let you join in activities he/she insists on doing alone (or if your spouse is allows you to come along but is very annoyed: it means he or she had to cancel an appointment with a lover)
- if you catch a sexually transmitted disease (STD) from your spouse (quite common)
- if your spouse won't make love to you, won't explain why, and is defensive about his private parts (he might have an STD, infection, or have bodily evidence of energetic sexual activity, i.e. rawness and soreness in sensitive areas)
- if you talk to a friend or colleague and they know more about you and your family than they should. The person might be the lover, or might know about the affair (cheats will often tell a close friend what they are up to)
- if there are awkward moments at dinner parties and social gatherings with your spouse and someone else, e.g. if a person exaggeratedly pretends not to know your spouse or seem nervous in his/her presence
- spends hours on line especially after you have gone to bed or before you wake up, or if your spouse regularly gets up in the night to use the computer
- quickly turns off a computer or switches browser when you come into the room, or if your spouse is nervous if you stand too close to them when they are on the computer
- if you find soiled Kleenex under the computer table
- if he or she is unexpectedly short of money (lovers are often bought expensive gifts. Your spouse might be paying to stay in expensive hotel rooms, be buying expensive meals to impress a lover, or even be paying the rent on a love nest
- wants to buy an out-of-character car. Some men buy sports cars to impress a young mistress, even if a different kind of car would make more sense for a family guy.
Your questions answered: How often do married couples have sex?; Can sex ever be fun again?; How can I help my husband enjoy sex more?
By Giles Devos
The stuff of life
Love life: How often do married couples have sex? » Can sex ever be fun again? » Recovering from the agony of divorce » Will a married man leave his wife for a lover? » How to impress a girlfriend »
Fitness: How to help a loved one lose weight
Mind games: Passive aggressive wife is wrecking marriage » Rage, mania, and depression »