Why husbands and wives cheat on each other
Cheating does not just happen in unhappy marriages. A husband or wife in a happy marriage might still cheat. Marriage gives them much of what they need, and cheating fulfills a need for sex. Other spouses cheat because their marriages have turned bad.
It's usual for the husband or wife of a cheat to blame themselves, asking what they could have done to prevent the cheating. Unfortunately, there is no way of preventing the type of cheat who thrives on the thrill of cheating and feels contained and restricted by marriage. These cheats will say they are happily married and have no intention of hurting their spouses, but they are drawn to cheating like moths to light.
These cheats are difficult, if not impossible, to reform. If given the opportunity to cheat, they'll do it. They have no internal barriers or warning flags preventing them from cheating; they know their cheating will hurt people, perhaps destroy their marriages, but that doesn't stop them.
An analyst would be able to find dozens of psychological reasons why these cheats behave the way they do. Some might be suffering from a compulsive disorder; others might be on a constant search for a deeply satisfying romance that always falls short, so they keep looking; yet others are thrill seekers, rather like gamblers, who enjoy the risks involved; and then there are those who enjoy uncomplicated sex so much that they want as much of it as possible, preferably outside the confines of marriage, which is seen as too tied to mundane activities and petty problems.
These cheats will often say that sex, for them, is a form of entertainment, like sports and tv are for others. Enjoyment is all it is for them, and they are baffled when asked if they are unhappily married. They'll usually reply, This has nothing whatsoever to do with my marriage or my wife. My marriage is great and I love my wife.
Many of them really mean it.
Some cheats are able to keep their wives satisfied in all ways, even sexually. They are even able to go straight from one woman to the other without any feelings of guilt or remorse. They might even enjoy the sense of satisfying two or more women. But these are rare cases; usually marriages are not as happy as the cheat claims.
A husband or wife can sense if they are being neglected in favor of someone else. A man who gets his sexual satisfaction wholly or partly from a lover is not giving his wife his undivided attention. He might be happy with the way she takes care of him, the kids, and their home, seeing that as all he needs from her, but she will be left wondering why he doesn't touch her more often, why it's so difficult to get him interested and aroused, why he's constantly distant.
Whether they are aware of it or not, these cheats save almost all their passion, their most intense feelings, for their lovers. They declare their love to the lover, not their wife. They tell the lover that their sex is great, and it usually is, whereas sex at home with the wife is routine and rather boring.
The internet has created the bizarre situation that husbands and wives are competing with online and virtual lovers. A spouse can put enormous energy into romancing and having sex with someone who's largely in his imagination. A husband might never have met his online lover. In real life, she might be nothing like the image the cheating husband has in his head.
Online cheating is increasingly widespread and satisfies so many people because the lover can be whatever you imagine them to be; you create them and they'll play along because they have needs of their own that are being met.
If a spouse is spending hours and hours online, whatever the activity (cheating, gambling, chatting, discussion groups), they need to be told their behavior is disrupting family life. When at home, a spouse's main focus should be on the the home and his or her family.
Compulsive cheats might be difficult to understand, but it's easy to get your head around the person who cheats because his or her marriage is falling apart. We marry for love, support, to be cared for, to share a home, all of which can fall apart when a marriage is put under pressure. Then, it's easy to seek and find love elsewhere.
There are so many dissatisfied married men and women that it is inevitable many of them are going to meet and attempt to build a relationship that's better and stronger than their failing marriages.
People usually meet their second spouse when they're finding ways to get out of an unhappy first marriage. It's a case of two people in pain sharing their experiences and falling in love. The vast majority of people on their second, third, or fourth marriages met their current spouses while they were still married to a previous one. If we are kind, we can call them reluctant cheats, escaping from marriages that weren't working.
Should a regretful cheat tell his or her spouse about the cheating? The obvious answer would seem to be yes
. But wait a moment. Are you likely to be forgiven? Or is your admission going to cause an escalation of hurt that might tear an otherwise good marriage apart? If you are genuinely remorseful and honestly believe that owning up to your cheating is going to cause more pain than healing, it might be best to remain silent and live with your actions, doing all you can to repair the damage. Break off contact with your lover, if that is what he or she was, and promise yourself not to do it again.
If it was a one night stand, perhaps with a prostitute, perhaps with alcohol involved, you might feel more justified in telling your spouse than if you have been involved in a long term affair that is over.
A love affair that has gone on for months or years is going to be tremendously hurtful to your spouse. You might not be forgiven; your marriage might end then and there, destroying all the good you have built together. You might even be prepared to take that risk because you cannot live with betraying your spouse.
If you are a religious person, you might find it helpful to talk to your pastor, rabbi, or spiritual guide. If you had unprotected sex, you should protect your spouse from any possible diseases or infections. Go get yourself tested. If you caught something, you either need to abstain from sex with your husband or wife until it is over -- and if it's not curable, you need to tell her.
This site receives a lot of searches from people asking Why do men cheat?
The question should really be, Why do husbands and wives cheat on each other?
because the cheat is just as likely to be a woman.
The simple answer is because they can and they want, or need, to. It's disruptive behavior, it can be treated and changed, cheats can be taught to feel remorse and regret, but the human drive for emotional and sexual satisfaction is so strong that cheating in one form or another is always going to exist.
It might take the form of online flirting going too far, or real world friendships becoming love affairs, or it might simply be the meeting of two people wanting sex outside their marriages, whatever the cause, it's there and it's widespread. Apart from the extreme compulsive cheats, most cheats are normal folks like you and me.
By Tiffers van Tien
Readers respond
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Abby, New York At least the guy is honest. I have had a couple of affairs with married guys and they all promised to marry me. The guy in this article is right, promises of marriage are part of the script in a love affair. I am glad I am not his wife though.
Bradley, Laramie This man is going to Hell. Adultery is a sin punishable by damnation. He will burn and all the women and children he as betrayed will stand by and laugh at him. Justice will be done one day.
Fiona, London This man sounds like my husband, who was a wonderful husband and father except for the fact he could never say no to other women. In our 15-year marriage, he must have slept with at least 10 other women. I had to get out in the end, but I still adore him.
Jessica, Syracuse, New York This man has no moral compass. He has no core values. He allows himself to do just exactly as he pleases and he doesn't care about the lives he wrecks and ruins.
Cindi, Des Moines This guy is no different from most men, he's just more honest about what he really needs. Wives are fools if they tolerate this stuff. If your husband cheats once, leave him. Don't forgive him because he will just keep on cheating.
Lizzie, Rochester Ladies, get real. It's very easy to keep your man. You just have to give him way more in bed than any lover will give him. Use your imaginations. Men are driven by the need for sex. That's what it is to be a men. Give a man the sex he craves and he will be yours forever. He won't stray.
Beth, Chicago Women love a sexual man. But here's the problem: sexual men can rarely be faithful. One woman is never enough. You can make it work by giving him what he wants but also establishing clear boundaries. If he strays, he goes.