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My wife wants a divorce
David and Naomi have been married for 10 years. They have two young children. Naomi has recently told David that she has contacted a lawyer to begin divorce proceedings against him. She accuses him of lies, cheating and destructive words
. David wants to save the marriage. Here, he explains his feelings.
Welcome, David. You and your wife are going through a very difficult time. She has told you she wants a divorce. How did it come to this?
We have had a turbulent 10-year marriage. There have been times I've been happily married, I love our kids, but as I look back, I wonder whether we ever were truly happy, whether we had the trust, stability and security you need to build a life-long relationship. It's devastating all the same.
You are reassessing your marriage in the light of your wife's desire to divorce?
There are so many emotions involved, but yes, I am reassessing everything. I go through old conversations in my head, our good times, our fights. I try to find out what it was that prevented us from being really close, from being successful as a couple. I thought we could keep working on this, keep improving. I never thought marriage would be easy but I never saw it as impossible. I am nearly 50; it's a frightening age to start over. I really want us to stay together. I would do counseling, anything necessary to stay married.
Even though there have been serious problems in our marriage and there have been times we've been far apart and angry with each other, my wife is still my closest friend and sexual partner. It's totally devastating when you know that relationship is about to end. This is the longest relationship I have been in.
Why is your wife doing this? Is it too late to save your marriage?
My wife is the kind of person who once she has made her mind up, that's it. There's no forgiveness, no going back. You get cut out of her life. Doesn't matter if you're family or a close friend, she won't have anything more to do with you. I guess I have been added to that list.
Yes, but what are her reasons?
I had an affair that ended two years ago. That was the big trust-breaker. I rationalize it by telling myself it was bound to happen. My wife worked all the time, when I saw her she was exhausted and went straight to bed or fell asleep on the couch. She was always angry about work, always complaining about her colleagues, but I have to admit I was the one who chose to have an affair and it was wrong.
Did your wife forgive you?
Yes and no. I don't think there was a complete healing. She didn't fully trust me after that. Our problems started before the affair and they continued afterward just the same. We have been married for 10 years but have hardly ever slept in the same bed. We do like each other, I think we have very strong feelings for each other, or rather we did but we have hardly anything in common. We didn't grow closer in marriage. I think we grew further and further apart. I built my own life, she had hers. Our lives crossed with our kids. We did a good job with our kids. But still, somehow, my marriage was the bedrock of my life.
Why didn't you sleep in the same bed?
It was a tiny problem really but it became a big problem. I'm a very light sleeper and my wife snores, not very loudly but enough to keep me awake so that I wasn't able to get any sleep. I'd wake up exhausted and a little angry. That didn't help us. Sleeping in separate beds made my wife feel unattractive. I felt very bad about it, too. I feel extremely stupid about it now. I should have put up with it.
Do you think of the two of you as a bad mix, as incompatible?
I think we are both people who lack focus. It's not a major problem, we both function well at work, but we lack the ability to focus on small but necessary tasks like keeping a neat house. Both of us were bad at that and it became a bone of contention. We would mean well, we would want to improve but sadly it never happened.
Do you accept responsibility for the fact your marriage is failing and might end?
Yes, I do, I accept full responsibility. I am not what my wife wanted me to be, and I was the one who had an affair, not her. I can accept the blame for it not working. But that doesn't mean I want it to end. I would like to keep trying. I love my wife.
But she says she hates you?
Yes she does. She says she hates me more than she has ever hated anyone in her life. She says I have lied and betrayed her. Other than the affair, I don't know what I am supposed to have lied about. She says my words are destructive, but I rarely get angry and I don't express myself angrily. She says I have cheated repeatedly, but I had an affair with one woman in 10 years and it ended.
You have been unfaithful only once?
Yes. There were other opportunities and I have had close female friendships, but I have not had another affair since the one that ended two years ago.
Did your wife know about these close women friends? Did you talk about your marriage problems with them?
My wife knows about at least one of them because she keeps insisting I have slept with the woman. Some of my emails to this friend were inappropriate for a married man, but they were harmless, at least as I see it. I did talk about my marriage and my wife with my friends. I was trying to figure things out. I was venting, too, I suppose. Don't we all do that?
If you talked in detail about your wife and your marriage with other women, this could be seen as destructive behavior and destructive words.
Yes it could, I can see that now. But it's too late. Admitting my mistakes is not going to help.
Do you really think your marriage is beyond repair?
I want to repair it but my wife does not. If a wife wants out, that's pretty much it. She is usually the last to want to leave, isn't she? I mean, if a wife wants a divorce, it means you've burned all your bridges.
You think women are more loyal to marriage than men?
I don't have any figures, but I'm guessing that's the case.
Are you able to talk with your wife at all?
She lets me talk to the kids, but she doesn't talk to me other than to say how much she despises me. My words are worthless to her, she says.
What are your emotions at this time? How are you coping?
It's so up and down. There are periods of extreme panic, when I feel sick, I feel that my entire life is over. I feel destroyed. I don't know what the heck I am going to do. I have to find a new place to live, I have to rebuild everything, it's so overwhelming, it's too much work.
At other times I am pretty calm. I accept the situation, I look forward. I think about meeting another woman, finding and building happiness with her. I think about becoming even closer to my kids, helping them through this horrible period in our lives. I can feel hopeful at times, but it doesn't last.
I wish I could talk calmly to my wife about this, but she's in an angry phase right now and I have no idea how long it will last, perhaps forever. I understand clearly I have made her angry and she is right to be angry with me.
Are you seeing anyone else at the moment?
No. Despite all the mess and problems and drifting apart, I really want to stay married. I want to keep trying. But it looks as though it's over.
What are you going to do over the next few weeks and months?
I will try to keep talking to my wife. I want to help her. It might sound strange, but I want what is best for her. I think if I am helpful through all this, I don't know, it might just be that we can save the marriage. If not, then at least she'll see I wasn't destructive in divorce.
I think it's important to be civil, there are children involved. My kids love their mom. I want them to keep loving their mom and me. I don't want the children to suffer at all, if that's possible.
That's admirable. But what are your personal plans now if the marriage ends? How might you recover?
Those plans feel pretty unimportant right now. I am just trying to get through each day. It feels like I have to dig a trench and survive. I am not sleeping well, I'm often awake all night, I'm not eating properly, and my insides are constantly churning. In these circumstances, there's little energy left over for planning. This is a massive personal failure for me. This is the toughest thing I have ever been through. I can't even think about recovery. I am in the middle of something that's horribly painful and ugly, and right now I see no end to it.
Do you understand your wife's pain and anger?
I understand it very well. I am not the man she wants or wanted. I have failed her. I have betrayed the promises we made to each other. It's not all my fault, it can't be, but I am the main one to blame. I hope one day she can forgive me for causing this. I hope my kids can forgive me.
What would be an ideal resolution for you?
I would like to be forgiven for all my mistakes, I would like to be given the chance to try again. I would like us to stay together for as long as our lives last.
I hate the idea of this long fight, angry conversations and accusations, paying for lawyers, selling our property, dividing everything up, deciding when and where I can see the children. I don't want to go through the nightmare of divorce. I hope we can come to our senses and find a solution that enables us to grow together, not apart.
Your questions answered: How often do married couples have sex?; Can sex ever be fun again?; How can I help my husband enjoy sex more?
By Giles Devos