CHEAT CHECKLIST
Do you suspect your spouse or partner is cheating on you? Here's our checklist for catching a cheat red-handed.
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Find a Counselor
Couples counseling: If you are over your head in emotional chaos and unable to move forward, or if you feel you can no longer connect with your partner or spouse, couples counseling provides a safe environment where you can learn to trust and love each other again.
Therapy helps
Therapists are trained to listen and identify the many obstacles that result in patterns of destructive behavior, breakdown in communication, lies and betrayal.
Therapy can transform the person you have been into the person you want to be.
Will a husband leave his wife for a lover?
Don't we all want to fall in love and marry the person of our dreams? That feeling of being in love, the intense physical attraction and satisfaction it involves, can be such a powerful drug that we ignore real risks and warning signs.
If you are trying to get a married man to leave is wife, or if you are about to get involved with a man who has been married a few times, these are questions you need to ask yourself.
What do you do apart from have sex?
Does your married lover arrive at your home, hotel room, or meeting place, have sex with you and then leave almost immediately afterward? If this is the pattern of your behavior, it's a cause for concern. Do you share any interests? Do you talk about anything beyond your feelings of love and desire for each other? Does he take a genuine interest in you, your work, your plans, your ideas? Is he willing to go to movies that you want to see? Does he ever do what you want to do?
Does he have money?
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How much do you know about his financial situation? A married man might shower you with gifts while at the same concealing from you that he is in debt and can barely make the interest payments. His debt will become part of your new relationship when you are man and wife. Beware of men who ask to borrow money from you. Only lend what you can do without. The chances are, he will never pay you back; there will always be a good excuse why he doesn't have the money.
Does he talk about his wife all the time?
Does he talk a lot about his wife, complaining about her, blaming her, making himself the hero or victim of all his stories. If he is the blaming and complaining type, this is not likely to stop when you are married. He might continue to talk about her when you are together permanently. Be prepared for his feelings of remorse and guilt about abandoning his wife; he might even blame you.
Bad habits
Does he have any personality traits that irritate or annoy you? Any behavioral traits or mannerisms that you find annoying will become magnified when you live together. Is he secretive and defensive when you ask him about personal matters? Does he answer your questions with questions fired back at you? Are there subjects he refuses to talk about? Can you tell whether he's giving you the whole truth? Is her persistently late? Are his excuses convincing? Does he leave you immediately after sex? Does he seem bored and distant when you talk about your life?
Mental issues
Is he on anti-depressants or being treated for any mental conditions? Is there a history of mental illness such as depression in his family? Mental illness, personality disorders and extreme behavioral traits can often be controlled and hidden until you are living with the man. You will then discover he is not the man you thought he was. A depressed person, or someone with a personality disorder, is extremely difficult to live with. When you were falling in love, you might have adored his spontaneity, but when you are married this might express itself as an inability to shoulder responsibility. He might be unable to follow through on important decisions and projects.
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The best book about love affairs: Best-selling and widely used by marriage counselors, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
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History of failure
Does he have a long history of failed marriages and relationships? If he has been married at least twice, or if he has children with more than one woman, you must accept that you are taking a significant risk. The man might convince you and himself that you are the love of his life, but serial cheats get bored quickly and easily. They can start pursuing other women just a couple of months into a new marriage. You might believe you are the one who can turn him around and make him truly happy, but men who have been unfaithful a couple of times believe they can get away with it over and over again.
Lovers and wives are in different types of relationship. You must accept that your ex-lover will most likely behave differently when he is your husband. All his weaknesses, quirks and foibles will be exposed. He probably tried hard to keep these hidden when you had a purely sexual relationship. When you are married and living together, it will not be so easy for him to keep secrets from you.
Core values
Do you share core values, a personal moral code? Do you belong to the same faith or religion? These differences can work if you are both prepared to trust, respect, and listen to each other. Does he insist that you convert? Is faith or morality a thorny issue for you to talk about with him? Does he attempt to silence you? Is he unwilling to compromise? Is it his way or the highway?
Multicultural
Are you from different cultures or ethnicities? Cross-cultural or cross-ethnic relationships can be incredibly enriching and rewarding if you have mutual respect for each other's background and traditions. If he is harsh, mocking, or critical about your culture, your background, your language, your customs, your food, treat his behavior as a warning flag. He does not have the right to silence you, nor make you abandon friendships and family, customs and traditions. He cannot make you "convert" to his culture, his way of doing things. There must be conversation and compromise, not conversion.
After an Affair
Written by award-winning psychologist Janis Abrahms Spring, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
Recommended by marriage counselors across the country, it takes you from crisis and conflict, to forgiveness and reconciliation.
Good listener
Does he listen to your worries and concerns about him and your future life together? Does he dismiss your anxieties, telling you not to worry, everything will be ok? Does he give excuses when you want answers? Does he get angry when you want a clear, calm answer from him about a serious matter?
Does he text message, email and instant message you at all hours of the day and night, seven days a week? You might see this as evidence that the man is completely in love, but it can be a red flag if it goes on for too long. You want to be sure you are getting into a relationship with someone who takes care of his work, his children, his commitments, not a person who ignores and abandons responsibilities in order to live on the internet pursuing a woman. Someone who spends hours and hours a day online might have trouble functioning in a real-life relationship. When you are living together, do you want him spending five or more hours a day online? Some people are so addicted to the internet, they will continue the habit even when they are living with the man or woman whose love they have won.
Sex is not everything
Great sex and romance, the "being in love" feeling, are not enough to get you through the long-haul of marriage. Marriage can and should be fulfilling, rewarding, stimulating and joyful, but it involves a lot of commitment, sacrifice and hard work. You need to be able to communicate with each other and trust each other if you are going to build long-term happiness and security. The "love affair" stage usually ends after less than two years, sometimes much less. There is good reason why they say "Love is blind". It doesn't see problems and pitfalls, it ignores them. Your relationship needs solid foundations to stand and build on, not simply sex and the sensation of being madly in love.
You are taking a risk. Assess the risks wisely. This is about your future, your happiness, your chances of long-term stability and security. If you see problems and obstacles today, don't sacrifice your dreams and happiness in the hope that things will improve in the distant future.
By Giles Devos
The stuff of life
How to talk to a woman: Have you ever been in that place where conversation breaks down?
You're not sure why you can't talk to your woman, you're not sure why she shuts down, but you want to reach out to her and be understood
We look at the different conversation styles of men and women, and show you how to connect with your woman at the deepest, most meaningful level.