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Why does my dad hit me?
Parents who hit: Violent parents do not understand the damage they do to their kids. The pain carries on into adult life and can express itself as self-destructive behavior.
First step: You need to find a good therapist who will help you with early life problems that plague you in adult life.
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Healing wounds caused by toxic parents
The poet Philip Larkin wrote, They f-ck you up, your mum and dad/ They may not mean to, but they do/ They fill you with the faults they had/ And add some extra, just for you.
Larkin knew what every counselor and therapist knows: Man hands on misery to man.
All of us know we carry the past around in our memories, but fewer are aware how much the past affects our words and actions.
Some of us are so burdened by the past, we cannot overcome it. We repeat mistakes so often that they become patterns of self-destructive behavior. We continue to respond to people in ways that made sense when we were kids, but do not help us as adults.
Here's an example: a child brought up in a violent home will learn how to withdraw emotionally in order to avoid being noticed and punished. A child who is hit or verbally abused but has no safe place to escape will protect himself by disconnecting from their surroundings.
When I was a young boy and knew my father was going to punch me in the face or body, I would curl up, hold my hands and armsarms over my face. When my father ordered me to lower my arms so he could hit me properly
, as he called it, I would tell myself not to show any pain. I would convince myself if I just took that punch in the face, it would all be over quickly.
This account of overcoming a violent father was told to David Hay Jones, himself a son of an abusive father
I learned how to suffer quietly. After being hit, I would lie in my room crying, rubbing my bruised, aching arm or stinging cheek. There would be no one to talk to, not even my mother. Without knowing what I was doing, I retreated into myself, cut out the outside world, and coped with the violence inflicted on me.
Withdrawing, or retreating, and the silence that went with it, was an understandable and effective way of protecting myself when I was 9 years old. But later in life, that same withdrawal, which I slip into without thinking, ends up cutting me off from people who love me.
As an adult, I have withdrawn when I feel criticized, attacked, neglected, or misunderstood. The withdrawal is real. It's a feeling of removing myself from contact with those around me. I become quiet or even silent. I won't answer questions. I won't respond. Often, I will find a dark, quiet corner of the house where I'll curl up and lie with eyes closed, neither awake nor asleep.
I'll know I am doing this. I will even be aware it is not helping me. I'll know I should speak to my wife; I'll want her to reach out to me and help me out of my emotional cave. But I will be unable to act.
Ironman Robert Downey Jnr., son of a substance-abusing father, who has been helped out of personal crisis by therapy
Lindsey Lohan, daughter of troubled parents
Former supermodel Jerry Hall, whose father was extremely violent
The feeling of being disconnected from my surroundings can last an hour or two, or it can go on for a whole day. In the morning, after a night of lying alone, I will feel better and will make the effort to speak to my wife, hold her, apologize.
She'll be wondering what on earth she said or did to provoke such a strong response from me. My reaction to her criticism, or what I thought of as criticism, is often out of all proportion to the intent of her remarks.
Lick my wounds
I have been aware for years that I have withdrawn during times of conflict. At first, I would blame the other person for being cruel enough to make me so sad that I had no choice but to find a quiet corner where I could lick my wounds. I even thought of my silence, my retreat to the cave, as a way of punishing the person who hurt me. I thought my silence, my refusal to fight, was stronger than their aggression.
But slowly I came to understand that my response was not helpful to me or my family. And I needed to change it.
At first, I lacked the tools, the understanding, to join the dots between my present behavior and my past, but I had a gnawing sense that my violent was still haunting me. I had no idea how, or even if, he could be faced and overcome. But I knew I wanted help to deal with how my dad's abuse and neglect, more than 30 years ago, were still burdening me.
Psychotherapy
I found an excellent female psychotherapist, who at first did nothing but listen as my past unfolded in story after story, many of which had been told hundreds of time before. But many stories seemed fresh, or had not been dealt with before. It shocked me to remember that my father did not attend my wedding, nor my graduation from university.
As my psychotherapist gained a picture of my early life and the issues that were affecting my functioning as an adult, she would gently steer my stories in directions that led me to more closely examine difficult memories and feelings and how they connected with behavior today.
Verbal abuse
I came to understand that so much of what I had experienced as a child -- violence, verbal abuse, unpredictable rages and outbursts from my father, sarcasm, neglect, being minimized, being told I was not liked, that I was not wanted -- taught me to behave in ways that were not helpful later in life.
Well into my early 30s, I was an incredibly shy and anxious person. It would pain me to attend conferences where I'd be expected to small talk and mingle. I'd often develop such strong headaches that I'd spend much of the conference in bed, and people would feel sorry for me for not feeling well.
I rarely expected to succeed at anything I did, and it surprised me greatly when I did. As a child, I was not encouraged and I grew not to expect it.
Thrill seeker
If a project, or work, or other commitment required time and effort to see it through, I'd get bored and abandon it. I was a thrill-seeker who lived for the moment. I had very little sense that success, if it was to happen, needed to be planned and prepared for, needed solid commitments of time, concentration, and energy. In other words, I was totally without focus.
I didn't expect to succeed at relationships, didn't think I would be loved, did not believe relationships would last. I was certainly not prepared to do the hard work of keeping a long term relationship going. If it became too tough, I'd have affairs which gave more immediate praise and satisfaction. Affairs made me feel special. Marriage made me feel disliked and unappreciated.
Toxic parents
By Susan Forward, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
A thread throughout my life has been my inability to form close friendships with men. I avoid male company. I find men boring and competitive. I have no buddies, no pals, no mates. I prefer women's company. I find it much easier to connect with women.
I respond in extreme ways when I am criticized, which is the first problem that made me aware that I had issues which were holding me back in life.
Destructive behavior
Bit by bit, with my counselor's help, I went beyond memories and storytelling, to feelings about memories, and when those memories were accessed and described, we looked at how those experiences and memories become repeated later in life to the extent of seeking out, or finding myself, in situations and relationships where destructive and harmful behavior was repeated rather than overcome.
My greatest success via counseling was in developing strategies to avoid harmful thoughts and behavior.
To overcome my lack of focus, I introduced discipline into my life. I run six days a week: the exercise itself plus the discipline of regularity boost my ability to concentrate on demanding tasks.
I am a freelance with plenty of opportunity to goof off if I am able, but I work in a very disciplined way because I know that is how I will maintain focus and interest. I start at 8 a.m. every morning by going to my basement office, and I work all day until 5 p.m., stopping only for lunch and to walk the dog.
Abusive parents
Written by Steven Farmer, Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused
I am more decisive in my marriage, not in an arrogant or aggressive manner, but I am clearer to my wife about my needs, my strengths, and weaknesses. I have told her, When I retreat, I want you to come to me, to help me, to get me out of the cave.
That way, my periods of withdrawal are shorter and not so painful for her because she knows I am not punishing her with my silence, but I am trying to overcome my own pain.
In need of praise
I have made the embarrassing confession to my wife that I thrive on being encouraged and praised for performing even mundane tasks. When she says Well done
for mowing the lawn, or clearing the garage, or carrying out the garbage, I feel good, as though I matter to her, and that my contribution to the family is important.
My wife might find praise for such obvious chores as rather silly, but she indulges me because sees the benefits to our relationship. If I am encouraged, rather than criticized, I work well, I work hard.
The most encouraging lesson I can share with readers is that counseling makes a difference. A painful past can be confronted, understood, and overcome.
Destructive thought and patterns of behavior can be turned around. We can become the good people we want to be rather than the flawed and damaged people we have been.
By David Hay Jones
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